Words.

Update

2007-11-10T09:44:00.000+08:00

Whee I haven't updated in a long time.

A few things have happened recently that kind of upset and disturbed me. I mean, why are there people like that. I can't talk about one of them but the other's about this crazy asshole who called Cher's handphone and pranked her. She didn't know who he was and he probably got her number off the net. Anyways, he started asking her about how sexually active she was and whether she wanted to "explore possibilities" with him. It was just damn sickening.

I mean, pranking one of your own friends is more or less alright because in the end they'll probably find out who did it and it's all in good fun, but is pranking a stranger really that fun? The idea does sound nice but when you think about it, the consequences can be quite damning. What's more the prank made was of a sexual nature, making it even worse in a way because now you're not only causing the other party worry, you're touching on taboo topics which people aren't comfortable discussing openly. Ya.

Sometimes it feels as though there are too many people out there who get bored from doing nothing only because they are unable to do anything which what little mental capacity they possess.

In other news, ORD! =D (OK, maybe not yet, but soon!)

2007-10-28T20:28:00.000+08:00

Hi! I promise to update by next week!

I've Lost that Blogging Feeling..

2007-02-04T18:33:00.000+08:00

Hm. It's been a while.

As mentioned, I've not felt like blogging in a long while, for whatever possible reasons there could be. Maybe it's because of all the festivities happening around. It's been putting me in a cheery mood of late. (Well, sort of.) No lousy feelings = no blogging heh. Anyway.

Chinese New Year is coming up. Time seems to be flying past now, though it definitely still isn't going fast enough. (ORD ORD ORD.) Ya. It's going to be very busy after CNY, what with the many exercises and the need to pass all those stupid tests so that I can ORD in peace. Sigh, and I'm still struggling for those passes. Bleah. I just hope the additional physical stress doesn't kill me.

It's weird, 'cause with ORD coming up (end of the year), there seems to be new additional stresses to pass this pass that, get this done and that done just so that I can pass out uneventfully. Oh well, I guess all I can do is train up and get over this period as soon as possible.

Sigh, the year has only just started and I'm already hoping for it to end. Haha. That's what army does to you I guess. At the start of every day you're looking forward to the end, and on Monday morning you eagerly await Friday evening's arrival. Whee. Countdown to ORD!

It's coming soon I guess, just not soon enough! *Whines*.

Ok that was bad. Bye.

The randomness of my posts are ridiculous..

2006-12-16T01:55:00.000+08:00

.. and yet that is how I choose to write. I think it reflects the messiness that is known as my brain.

As I said in the previous post, it's good to be back. It's nice to be back in a place where I can eat laksa, rojak and char kway teow. I mean, such things are virtually the number one thing Singaporeans say they miss when they go overseas for extended periods of time. Being back also means a week of leave, which I've been enjoying with her - going out, catching movies, food, et cetera. I know some people say I'm quite an ass for always going out with her only and passing on friends but look at it this way - I already have very little time with her, so I'd usually pounce on any chance to be with her.

Anyways, that aside, I saw people enlisting today. It seemed just like yesterday when it was my own enlistment day, but that's just how the mind tricks you. Every memory seems just like a short time ago, when actually quite a long time has passed. Oh well. IMO, the year has been rather eventful. I mean, in terms of my personal life, many big changes have occurred. Many ups, several downs, and through it all I'm just fortunate I've come through rather unscathed. Lucky me.

Cynicism will be the downfall of the modern society. With profit motive and the desire to earn as much money as possible, men have inadvertantly become selfish. This leads to the development of lies and cheating and all things bad. In light of all these, how can one living in today's world not turn cynical? I mean, yes while it is true that there are people who need our help, many others exist to try and take advantage of the kind hearts of others who offer to help those in need. Yes, one can say that hope is all around, but nowadays some people are even taking advantage of that. It's very difficult to trust anyone these days, especially business people. It's a dog eat dog world, and cynicism helps u stay alive.

Home.

2006-12-11T11:37:00.000+08:00

Finally, I'm home again.

The past 20 days or so have been more or less shitty. I guess that's what you get when you go overseas with a regimented group. I mean, you can't expect much when you spend 15 of the 20 days cut off from civilisation, eating sand and excuses for food that are solely for sustenance. Also, as much as we'd like to have fun, it was quite difficult with the curfews and regulations and stuff. After all, we had an image to uphold (supposedly). Oh well, just very glad to be back here again, with the people I love and good food once again.

A friend of mine took many many pictures but you won't get to see any of them here because I'm very afraid of getting charged and having my ass kicked hard by the powers that be. So, too bad. Hah. There isn't much to see in the photos anyways, just alot of grass and sand and vehicles and stuff like that.

Through the trip I felt a sense of loss, as though something was missing from my life. The feeling sucked, and little bits of depression crept in when there wasn't anything to think about. Even with all the laughter (there was plenty, 'cause of all the stupid things we did), things just didn't feel the same. I guess I won't be able to survive much overseas should I have opted for a foreign education. Oh well.

(For Jac: Good luck overseas. Hope you won't experience what I experienced when I went off for a mere 3 weeks, or at least not to the extent of becoming severely homesick. Stay strong, and look forward to the holidays. Heh.)

I think probably why I missed home so much was because of you. Hah. =)

Happiness

2006-11-27T20:09:00.000+08:00

This was taken off an article from Yahoo News :)

------------------------------------------

..."Happiness is the process, not the place," he said via e-mail. "So many of us think that when we get everything just right, and obtain certain goals and circumstances, everything will be in place and we will be happy.... But once we get everything in place, we still need new goals and activities. The Princess could not just stop when she got the Prince."..

------------------------------------------

Just wanted to share this. :) I think it's a really meaningful phrase don't you think? Happiness is the process, not the place.

2 weeks till maro gets back! :) keep watching this space :D

The substitute blogger =P

2006-11-19T14:08:00.000+08:00

And so today Maro has left Singapore, leaving his dear old blog to me haha. I don't think I'll be updating much (considering the frequency of the posts on my own blog) but I'll try... at least after my exams. haha.
Well to anyone who misses him, he'll be back from Aussie on the 10th of Dec... :)
Anyway.. nth much to say for now. Will update some other time.. tata! =)

Fly Away.

2006-11-19T07:34:00.000+08:00

So my attempt to get people to comment failed. Maybe I should invite an ex-teacher to post a comment or something, then I'd be able to lure others to comment as well.

Oh well.

Anyways, I'm flying in about 4 hours' time. Sigh. I don't feel like leaving this stupid place to go some other stupid place to eat sand. It's not exactly the physical aspect of the whole thing. Sometimes when I take a trip overseas, I find that I'm worried about someone trying to contact me only to find out that I'm not in Singapore. What's worse is if that person is looking for me for urgent reasons. Such things always bother me. Weird, when people usually go on trips to get away from all these things.

What I don't like about going overseas for extended periods of time is the feeling that you have left behind people whom you care about, and you'll most probably not know what's happening to them over in Singapore. I mean, it's one thing to be able to keep in contact but physically seeing a person adds a whole new level of closeness altogether (that is, in my opinion). I think it'll probably take a mass migration of everyone I miss over here to another country for me to truly enjoy my trip there.

On a side note, some people ask why I opted to stay in Singapore to study and not go overseas. If you know me well enough you'll know it's mostly because of the above, though I seldom admit it. Some of the guys in camp think it's stupid that I'm so attached to people here, so much so that I'm willing to (possibly) sacrifice my own future to be with these people. I don't really see anything wrong with it. Maybe it's because I'm not ambitious enough, but I think living simply is good enough for me if I have the people I care for around me. I mean, I don't really want to be faced with the prospect of earning big bucks but having no time for anyone else except business associates. I guess I'm just that sentimental. Heh.

Flying.

2006-11-17T15:30:00.000+08:00

I'll be flying off to Australia soon (Sunday) to have some fun knocking down kangaroos and eating sand. It'll be three weeks before I come back so everyone please don't miss me so much and take care of yourself and all that stuff.

Oh, if anyone would like to blog on my behalf while I'm away please leave a comment. (This is actually a ploy to get people to leave comments because nobody does that anymore! I feel like I'm being taken for granted! =P)

HEE

Hm. I think someone just volunteered. Heh.

对你有感觉

2006-11-11T23:16:00.000+08:00

我曾深刻体会
对爱感到胆怯
还好有懂我的你
给我安慰

看你失落的脸
又再为爱憔悴
我心痛的感觉竟如此的强烈

眼角的泪
它给过谁
伤透了心
也无所谓
我会愿意
静静地
陪在你身边

如果说爱
已不可为
那我宁愿
藏心里面
其实我害怕会失去你的感觉

怎么会开始对你有了感觉
又深怕朋友默契转身不见
矛盾着犹豫不决
没准备
跨越爱的界线

怎么会开始对你有了感觉
深陷朋友恋人之间的危险
进与退
被爱包围
谁犯规
都狼狈
谁能解围
让一切完美

怎么会开始对你有了感觉
深陷朋友恋人之间的危险
你和我
拥抱瞬间
不后悔
这暧昧
星光唯美
把爱放心里面

--------------------------------------------

I like the song above alot. For reasons probably related to my psyche, I find myself attracted to love songs and ballads more than R&B and the like. I guess it may also be because I'm old fashioned and my brain pretty much couldn't keep up with cultural changes in our day and age. Anyway, the song above is special (or at least I think it is).

Today I was at the bus interchange when I suddenly felt weird. For those brief minutes I relived the past (about 1 year plus ago), and many kinds of feelings came back to me. I remembered the awkwardness, the excitement, and the slight "it can't be happening" kind of feeling we felt when it happened. I remember thinking "I can't let her know" for some reason. I guess it was probably because I was afraid of the consequences should she find out and didn't feel the same way. After all, she did have many suitors. =)

Then after the nostalgia faded I realised I was actually smiling like an idiot while waiting in queue for the bus. Sometimes I think my brain does such things to me just so that I'll embarrass myself.

Weariness.

2006-11-05T18:15:00.000+08:00

"Water."

He staggered, as though drunk, through the vast desert. His feet shuffled through the sand, little dust clouds forming around his ankles. The only sound to be heard were his own laboured breathing, brought on by fatigue, thirst, and a loss of hope.

Pellets of sand pierces his eyes.

He fell. Yet, to his fatigued mind, it meant nothing. His thoughts were solely on moving forward, and seeking water. His brain could process no other information, nor recall any memory he could've held previously. Now, all that mattered were moving forward and seeking water.

Moving forward and seeking water.

Nothing else.

He crawled, struggling to get back up. His mouth hung limply open, eyes barely open. The desert had taken most of his energy, and it was slowly nibbling on his soul. From afar he would've looked like a cadaver, given unholy strength, making its way through the desert, hollow features and skin stretched thinly against his skeletal being. One might've thought that perhaps necromancy has become a reality.

Water.

He fell again. This time, however, there was no getting up. He couldn't muster the strength to carry on anymore. He remained there, sprawled, listening to his own laboured breathing. His world was dark. No light was able to penetrate his heavy eyelids. His body twitched, but only slightly, as sand continued to sting his unmoving body. The whirr of flying sand slowly faded into the background, as his breathing got louder. He felt himself drifting into a deep sleep, as though hypnotised by his own breathing. Slowly, his sense shut down, until he no longer felt, smelt, or heard anything.

His body drooped, the last of his physical strength consumed by the great desert.

Weary.

2006-11-05T17:57:00.000+08:00

Hm, maybe it's because I've not got enough sleep these past days, but somehow things are starting to wear me down. I'm not referring to people or relations (no, it's not that high a level), but rather just everyday things like work, moving around, et cetera. I just feel like there're weights bearing me down, holding me back. It's as though something is greatly restricting my movements. I think I'm just getting old. Ha.

I don't wanna feel this way. It gives me the uneasy feeling that I'd grow white hair soon. (I haven't got a strand of white hair up till now.)

When I think about aging, and about my hair colour, I thought that maybe one day, when I'm about 50, I'll just go dye my hair gray. I think that would look nice, haha. Asians don't usually age gracefully, 'cause like white hair grows in weird bunches, so I guess hairdye would make it look nicer. Hah. Weird thoughts.

Ramble Ramble.

2006-10-24T20:32:00.000+08:00

There're some days where I wake up to think that the world's a beautiful day. Today's one of those rare days. =)

But, most days I wake up to think that life pretty much sucks and there're few things worth living for nowadays. Happiness seems forced and everyday is a drag. Living becomes pretty much a burden. Yes, my outlook on life is just great. (Nah, actually it isn't that bad. I'm just exaggerating it to make myself seem like a pitiful kid.)

I guess my outlook on life is pretty much brought on by my current situation. Being in national service has led me to this depressing stage in life where all you want to do is to run away from it all and never come back to this kind of life. (ORD! Though that's still quite a while off.) I think NS gets everyone depressed, just to varying degrees. What I mean is, everyone gets depressed from having to serve in national service because even if you really really want to look for a career in the army, by virtue of the fact that you're still a newbie around the place means that there'll be alot of work, and your superiors tend to look at all the nitty gritty in a bit to find fault with you.

Yet many will tell you NS is a necessary "evil". The argument follows that even though it's peaceful now, we can never be too sure of what will happen. Training a defence force doesn't happen overnight, and if we don't keep it up we won't be able to respond to threats fast enough. Though this is true, you'll most probably never catch any serviceman agreeing to this, since everyone just wishes that the one serving is not them.

Sometimes people tend to ignore inconvenient truths, just because the truth doesn't favour them. I guess it's human nature. Everyone's born selfish, and the only reason why people do not always appear selfish is because we've been brought up in an environment where we're taught such behaviour is unacceptable. But have you thought about it? Generosity was probably thought up by someone who was lacking in something and had to try to convince others to give him some of it. In a way selfishness produced generosity. Is that possible? Maybe.

Haha, ok enough rambling for now. Time to go back to hell. (I realize there was absolutely no coherence in this post at all.)

090905

2006-10-20T18:27:00.000+08:00

It started out beautifully, like how any fairytale would. We'd known each other since the year before, yet it wasn't until our second year as classmates did we begin to have conversations. From acquaintances we became friends, talking about how some people affected our lives. It was a pretty tough year, filled with much failing and pressure. Yet we found time to talk, and slowly but surely I became enchanted by you.

I remember our study sessions, long hours at libraries, fast-food joints or your room with others in the hope of attaining some productive revision. Alas, that didn't come as often as we'd have liked. But what were we to do? We're but mere kids, and no one likes to study like an automaton. You were always a welcome relief to the monotony of work, and I looked forward to each time you'd declare a break, since you're obviously the more hardworking of us both and I'd have felt guilty to pull you away from your work.

Thinking about it, much of our relationship was built during those revision sessions. Many would've disagreed with what we were doing I guess. Fortunately we have the results to back our sessions up, or we'd have gotten hell from many people. Looking back, the thought that maybe it was our relationship that allowed us to get those results amuses me a little, yet I know that, strange but true, that was probably true, since you were always my pillar of strength.

The start of our journey together had been marked by several obstacles, first being the national examinations. What followed next, and is still ongoing now, was national service. I remember you crying on the day of my enlistment, and how you tried to hide your tears from me. Silly girl, in quoting a song, save up all your tears each time you cry, because I'll be your rainbow when they all disappear.

I remember the first time I made you cry badly. I'd raised my temper to you on the bus, one night on the way back to your place. I hadn't meant to, honestly. It's just I get that way when people wake me up, and I regretted my actions that night deeply. After that incident I promised myself I wouldn't raise my temper at you again, and that may be why I give in to you most, maybe even all, of the time. I don't want to see that face again, that face which tells me that I've just hurt you. Yet it may have been because of that that several problems began surfacing.

Things haven't been smooth sailing throughout our lives together, especially after you entered university. I guess the change in lifestyle for you has got you all confused about how I fit into your schedule. We've had our arguments, our sadness and helpless moments. You told me it felt like we were forcing it, as though we weren't meant to be. I know we have different personalities, but I don't think anyone can find another person with identical likes and dislikes as himself/herself. Admittedly, that period of time was pretty tough for the both of us, and I lived in the fear that something tragic might happen, and I might not be able to handle it. It was, to me, the defining moment in our relationship, the make or break point where an in-between conclusion was just unacceptable. There were times I doubted you, and others when I doubted myself. In retrospect I'm ashamed at myself for ever becoming suspicious of you, but I don't think I could've controlled it at that time. It was all just a very bad time, and I've learnt that such suspicion will only lead to paranoia, and paranoia will most definitely break us.

Now, gradually, we're pulling away from those dark times. We've talked things through, and reached a consensus on several issues pertaining to us. Things are looking up, yet I know neither of us dare to look too optimistically into the future anymore. I guess this is part of growing up, when you realize that nothing is ever a bed of roses. At times you worry that I'd leave you behind when it's my turn to ener university, that some other girl two years my junior will catch my eye. I rule out all possibility of this happening, and have and will continue to stand my ground what you suggest will probably never happen. Occasionally I fear that one day we'll go back to those dark times again, that everything will slowly begin to crumble, and this eats at me like a crow slowly picking my insides. But, nonetheless, through all that we've been through, one thing still stands true - I love you, baby, and nothing's going to change that. =)

I believe we're still living a fairytale, dear, because even fairytales have dark moments. Without such dark moments, the hero will never emerge. I'll hang on to our fairytale, and hopefully a happy ending awaits the both of us.

I know this entry sounds quite sad but really it's not. I guess I was in a reflective mood, as I usually am in when I've not enough sleep.

Thoughts at 2 in the morning.

2006-10-20T01:59:00.000+08:00

gwing says:
eventually when ur life ends
gwing says:
what is it that u seek ??
gwing says:
asking u ;p
Maro says:
haha
Maro says:
peace i guess
gwing says:
peace.. haha
gwing says:
what kind of peace
Maro says:
just.. a nice feeling
Maro says:
that only i'd noe
Maro says:
coz i dunno how to share it w/ others
Maro says:
haha
gwing says:
hmm
gwing says:
something like that i guess
gwing says:
i wanna know ive been happy, made ppl happy, esp someone
gwing says:
that kinda feeling
Maro says:
haha
Maro says:
u've made me happy =X
Maro says:
hahahahahaha
Maro says:
so gay
gwing says:
hahaha
gwing says:
not that kind of happy that fades after a few minutes
gwing says:
the kind of happy that, at life's end, makes you think that life has been worth it
Maro says:
haha
Maro says:
get married?
Maro says:
=P
gwing says:
marriage is juz status to me
gwing says:
feeling's what's important
Maro says:
feeling..
gwing says:
see my point ?
Maro says:
yep

Stuck

2006-10-19T23:51:00.000+08:00

Had battalion anniversary on Wednesday, and the day ended with a dinner event at some chinese restaurant. There was this singing competition thing and the guy from my company was singing a song that I currently have stuck in my head, and I don't know why but everytime I think of the song I just feel like smiling. Hah. Weird.

Someone's out working till late again. Sometimes, it's not that I don't trust her but rather, there's just this nagging feeling that something might just happen. Of course, when nothing happens, and nothing usually does, it is written off as unnecessary worry but what if something does happen? It's just a subconscious thing I guess, to worry for her. Oh well, at least she has people accompanying her around tonight.

Can't think of anything else to write. Will update again when I do. Sometimes blogging becomes a chore for some. I used to feel that way, but now it's a weirder feeling. I feel like writing but I have nothing to write about. So what do I do? Just string some rubbish together and hope they form coherent opinions? Sometimes it works, but most of the time it doesn't. I think this is a disease only people who do mindless work would suffer from. The brain craves release, but it's bound in a cage that would not break easily.

Ok, enough rubbish. Later.

My Leg Hurts Like Hell.

2006-10-19T00:24:00.000+08:00

I think I pulled/strained a muscle around my left shin area, just from playing soccer in camp. It hurts like hell, and I'm limping a little while walking because everytime I flex my foot a jolt of pain alerts my brain that my leg is indeed injured quite badly. It's got so bad that last night it kept me awake and I went about the day feeling shitty and tired.

Sigh, the signs of old age.

In other news, the haze seems to have taken a turn for the better today. Sometimes when I look out at the sky I can't help but think that it's as though some other greater being is trying to fog us, similar to how we fog places to kill mosquitoes. Maybe we're someone else's mosquito.

Also nuclear weapons are becoming the "in" thing again with some people threatening to build it and others threatening to fight back. Maybe one day they'll accidentally fire a nuclear warhead at Singapore and all that'll be left of us are memories.

Whee, the world's about to end pretty soon, what with the nuclear bombs, political strife, haze and all that.

I feel optimistic about the future.

Separation.

2006-10-15T02:12:00.000+08:00

"Let's break up."

For a second the bustle of the crowd seemed to die down. The three words she spoke drowned out every minute sound present, even the whirring drone produced by the fans. Time slowed to a standstill as the words hit me, each like a brick pounding against my ear.

I sat there, dumbfounded. Nothing I knew beforehand could prepare for this. I slowly tried to absorb her words, suddenly aware that my mouth was hanging loose. The shock passed soon enough, and I was thrust fully into the depth of her words.

"Why?"

That was all I could muster. A flurry of thoughts ran through my head, each surfacing for mere seconds before becoming submerged in the sea of ever-increasing questions. Every sliver of thought demanded attention, so much so that my mind was torn, unable to decide which to attend to first.

The fan's whirr continued, though it did nothing to ease the sweltering heat of the mid-day sun. Beads of perspiration slid down my face, adding to the increasing frustration I felt from losing control of this relationship. Things no longer went the way I wanted them to, and it vexed me to know that there wasn't anything I could do about it. I felt like lashing out, yet there was nothing or nobody for me to lash out against.

She sat there, her face cold and stoned. I looked desperately at those hard eyes for answers, but none came to me. She made no attmept to ease the tension, to possibly cushion the impact of her statement.

"You know for yourself what has happened," was all she said before standing up.

"Goodbye."

And there she went, walking out of the cafe and into the massive weekend crowd.

All I could do was sit there, slouched and unmoving. It was as though my spirit had left me, leaving but an empty shell to rot at the cafe.

Most people only learn how to cherish what they have after they've lost it..

I'm luckier, I've learnt how to cherish who I have with me before I lost her. It's not very well written, I know. But it's late now, so I guess I'll try to touch up on it tomorrow.

Probably last update of this week(end).

2006-10-07T08:42:00.000+08:00

I realize I've always enjoyed writing prose. Short stories to reflect certain thoughts and moods. I guess that comes mainly from my habit of hiding behind a facade such that only few (like her for instance) can tell what I'm really thinking, because it's just not Me to tell the world what I'm feeling inside so explicitly (though there've been quite a few exceptions here in the recent years). I guess I'll be writing alot more prose from now on, 'cause I don't read enough on current affairs to be able to make intelligent comments and form great opinions.

So, yeah.. if anyone does come read (I know some of you still do and I'm thankful for that, because it shows that you still care, even though I'm constantly absent from all your lives), I hope you'll be entertained by the stories that, hopefully, will follow this post. Though, it probably won't happen this week 'cause I've no time to write, really. We'll see how it goes, I guess.

I apologize if any posts bore you because, well, I'm just boring. Hah.

Something that ran through my head recently.

2006-10-06T23:16:00.000+08:00

The man who appears to have many friends, may actually have none.

(Or maybe he does have many friends, like real friend friends, but he just doesn't sense their presence. This would be the man's fault I think, 'cause people are always there for him, yet he doesn't appreciate them enough to acknowledge their roles in his life. Hm, a thought from a thought.)

I think I use the word "thing" too often. Time to learn to cut down on it. Hm. I blame it wholly on the fact that I'm in service now and my brain's degenerating.

It's Been A While

2006-10-06T23:04:00.000+08:00

After enlisting, I lost the habit of blogging. Well, not that I was blogging much before that as well but definitely alot more than I am now.

Maybe it's time to get back to writing.

Not many people would be expecting me to be writing again, and yet many still try to get me back to updating. I'm sorry for ignoring all of you by succumbing to tiredness and laziness. I know many of you check back regularly to see whether I've updated, and I'm sorry to disappoint most of those times. Heh. Maybe I can get back to writing more often again. Let's just keep our fingers crossed. =)

After 9 months in whatever I'm doing now, it's beginning to become a drag. Seldom are things done efficiently and everyday there's so much rubbish to do. It's only in here that you realize how money can be wasted on a super-sized scale. The whole thing is also becoming a burden on many other aspects of my life, since I'm stuck with it 5 (and sometimes 6) days of the week. Sigh.

Someone's not home yet (I think). Kinda worried.. Oh well.

Been thinking quite a bit these few weeks, or at least more than I have been for the past 9 months or so. I've realized that pretty much things that I'd rather not have are still within me. Things like certain insecurities, some slight paranoia and the like. Sometimes, I think these feelings (I think they're feelings.) affect those around me more than they affect me. Sometimes I think I've grown up to be quite a lousy human, a mere shell that's slowly aging. Hm.

I think I have quite a good impression of myself.

Ok, think that's all I'm going to write. Too much rubbish about myself. I don't usually do this..... right?

Hah, as always, I'm unsure of myself.

Some quiz

2006-06-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
view shooting wargame commercially.
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
..... is there a second part to this question?

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Big Momma's House

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
11pm

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
2257

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
aircon

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
this afternoon, movie at PS

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
hotmail inbox heh

9. What are you wearing?
black shirt blue shorts

10. Did you dream last night?
nope, kept waking up

11. When did you last laugh?
just now lor.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
pictures.
.
13. Seen anything weird lately?
err, my reflection?

14. What do you think of this quiz?
liddat lor.

15. What is the last film you saw?
Garfield 2

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
hm. i wonder. dunno lah let others decide for me.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
who is this "I"? .... nth much u shld know anw :X (borrowing cher's ans whee)

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
make nachos cheaper.

19. Do you like to dance?
hm. hm hm hm. dunno heh.

20. George Bush:
looks like a chimpanzee

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Monica!

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Carl!

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
ya, one day i will move to tekong n stay.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
you made it!

25. 4 people who must also do this meme in THEIR journal:
dunno, no one reads this blog anymore so ya.

Oh Well.

2006-03-17T22:00:00.001+08:00

So, as much as I'd like to, I didn't get into OCS.

Disappointed? A little.

But what to do? Suck thumb. (Heh.) No lah I guess I'll just take it as it comes. No point mulling over it and spoil the memorable and meaningful experience NS has to offer. Whee.

I guess one can't have too many good things coming their way all at once after all. Oh well, *suck* haha =)

Autobiography.

2006-03-13T18:59:00.000+08:00

REC Emmanuel Chng Enlisted: 081205 [01/06 PTP (L)] POP: 070306

Being in Mohawk Coy for the past 13 weeks has been an unforgettable experience. Mohawk is known to be one of the more ‘siong’ companies in BMTC/2 and this is largely true. Many a time, we recruits will complain about how Mohawk Coy has much tougher training and how we always seem to need to maintain a higher standard as compared to other companies in the same school. This necessity led to many a ‘whacking’ session for us all. M4 itself had its share of stories, like the infamous “food ban” incident and how we got whacked quite badly one night for neglecting to tighten our SBOs and clean our helmets. Yes, at times when the going got tough, I felt like the punishments we went through were excessive, but what to do? Suck thumb.

M4 holds many memories for us chao recruits. From the first few weeks of our lives in the army to field camp to range, and now to POP, so many things have changed. I remember how we all got whacked during the many stand by areas, and the various funny incidents that brightened up our days. For example, how REC Julian shouted “satu” when given the command to number off, or how the sergeants teased and imitated REC Justin because he has this habit of moving his entire body when he stamps his foot.

Throughout these 13 weeks in BMT, I daresay life has changed dramatically. Personally, my discipline has improved tremendously (though not yet at a satisfactory level). Every step taken has shaped us, whether through the soft or hard approach, and such credit can only go to our commanders. From our 2IC 2LT Choo and PC 2LT Juffri to our PS 2SG Kiam Ho and section commanders 3SG Soh, 3SG Aswat and 3SG Leo, everyone of these individuals has played a part in whacking us so hard at times we become a bit senseless and blur (and then we get whacked again). But of course, all this is for our own good.

At times, it seemed as though too much was being asked of us, but still, I’m glad we’ve made it together so far as Mohawk Platoon 04, and all in all, it’s been a good ride through BMT.

yay

2005-12-22T21:39:00.000+08:00

yay i'm back!

Goodbye.

2005-12-08T06:24:00.000+08:00

In about 2 hours time I'll be going for my free haircut and luxurious stay at an offshore bungalow. Yep, complete with personal trainer, lodging and three meals. Don't miss me too much. =)

Ittekimasu!

Ja ne.

(Also, this means the blog's gonna continue being dead until a. I get back with interesting things to share or b. I feel like updating.)

"No man is an island". Discuss this in the light of today's society.

2005-09-28T17:19:00.000+08:00

The modern society has been largely marked by the onset, and continuous progress, of globalisation. This phenomenon has served to integrate the individual units within the world, be it people or even nations, together and seeks to incorporate these parties into a “global village”. As such, several have voiced the opinion that the saying “No man is an island” rings ever so true in today’s world. In my opinion, this is largely valid, since it is indeed true that no single individual or country is able to stand, and survive, alone in the face of globalisation.

At the individual level, it is evident that man cannot survive if he is estranged from his community. In general, man has an inherent need for social integration and this has been an innate trait even before the appearance of globalisation. From the dawn of time, it has been noted that people mainly traveled in groups, or stayed together in tribes and this has not changed in today’s world. In fact, with the introduction of global integration, people have increased their emphasis on social integration. This can be seen from the constant development and discovery of methods of communications that seek to allow us to have more convenient forms of interaction. This development began with postage mail and has today seen the likes of instant messaging and video conferencing. From man’s constant efforts in trying to seek out different forms of telecommunications, one can see that man has not forgotten his need for social interaction and realises that this need is even more important in today’s world as globalisation brings a global trend of international migration that possibly pulls our loved ones to countries that are far away. Man’s realisation and recognition of the importance of social interactions hence shows that no individual is able to survive solely on his own in today’s society.

On the international level, it can be duly noted that countries and their governments have realised that they can no longer survive economically on their own, and hence are unable to keep their borders closed to international trade anymore. This stems from the fact that several economies are too small to be able to sustain their nation’s livelihood and international trade is seen as a highly plausible solution to this problem. In addition, less developed countries may seek to open their economies to foreign investment so that economic development may occur as they would otherwise be unable to afford this progress. This need by the government is highlighted in the case of Singapore, where the Singapore government has been continually signing free trade agreements with various countries like Jordan and the United States in the past years in the hope of gaining a better standing with regards to international trade. This is necessary as Singapore lacks both the size and natural resources to partake in sustained economic growth. As such, international trade and the need for foreign direct investment has been seen by the government as a platform for continued development. Hence, with the increased need for growth in today’s world, individual countries are beginning to see the need to integrate economically with the rest of the world. They thus realise that no nation is able to survive on its own in today’s world.

A third consideration is that in modern society, diplomacy and good political ties between countries have become essential to the survival of a country in general. This is a result of globalisation, where the decision by countries to open their borders holds with it the need to ensure that these trade pathways remain open. As such, the maintenance of xenophobic policies is seldom possible in today’s society. In addition, with the occurrence of unpredictable events constantly on the rise and the fear of these uncertainties persistently plaguing the minds of people, nations have to maintain good relations with other countries such that aid becomes readily available should it be needed. An example of this would be seen in the aftermath of the onslaught of Hurricane Katrina in the United States. It has been reported in the newspapers that New Orleans appears to be in a state of anarchy and several countries have pledged aid to the United States. The United States government has hence expressed their gratitude at these shows of goodwill. This unfortunate incident highlights the fact that any country in the world may be caught off guard, and would possibly require assistance from other nations. As such, the formation and maintenance of good diplomatic ties with the rest of the world is highly essential for any one country and it is largely plausible in today’s context. Hence, no individual nation is able to shy away from the need, and no individual government can confidently claim that they do not require the friendship of other governments in today’s world.

However, critics have argued that several nations can actually survive on their own, citing the fact that these nations are big enough to sustain themselves economically. These countries, like the United States, have well-defined economies that can allow for self-sustenance. This may largely be true. However, one cannot ignore the fact that these countries are also advocates of international trade and partnerships. Hence, though these big economies may theoretically possess the ability to stand on their own feet, they do not do so in reality. This shows that the governments of these nations recognize that no man is an island in today’s world and they hence cannot isolate, or estrange, themselves from the rest of the world. This would, then, highlight the need for global integration.

Also, others may say that individuals may actually be able to survive on their own, and argue that a global migration of people that is constantly happening shows this since people are frequently shifting between communities. They hence say that this illustrates the fact that man depends largely on himself and not on his peers to survive. To this, I would like to point out that though it is true that a constant migration of people on the global scale happens, these people will, firstly, still try to maintain any pre-existing relations they have with others around the world and, secondly, try to form new ties. As such, as a person travels around the world, he is able to sustain all social interactions with people. In addition, with the current advancements in technology, a person is able to effectively maintain all his social bonds throughout the world. Hence, not only has the person not isolated himself, he has in fact formed a more complex and intricate web of social ties, such that he is still fully immersed in his need for social interaction.

As such, it should be noted that, in conclusion, it is indeed true that no man is an island, and this is especially true in today’s society. As globalisation progresses, countries and individuals alike develop a dependence on others and would find that they are unable to break free from these bonds. However, countries should be forewarned that an overdependence on other nations would lead to dire consequences should these nations decide, if ever, to pull out of any economic or diplomatic arrangements.

Dreams.

2005-09-22T05:36:00.000+08:00

I've been having very vivid dreams of late, and they've not been very encouraging. Several of them have been about the same topic, and I don't know why my mind keeps revisiting it. It's something of great gravity (to me) and I think if it were to come true, in any one scenario or another that were painted in my dreams, then I'd be absolutely crushed.

What makes it worse is that I have a "habit" of jumping awake whenever I have a vivid dream, and it is really annoying, especially when it's not exactly time to wake up yet. Dreams have left me pretty much sapped of energy these few days, and these recurring dreams have been flashing back in my mind, so much so that the fear experienced in the dream is slowly being translated to real life. This sucks, I don't need that much worry.

But can we even control our dreams? I mean, are dreams like our conscious thoughts where, once we start straying into a certain "undesired" thought we can exercise some level of self control at times to keep these thoughts in rein. Do dreams work the same way, or do we necessarily have to let our minds run free at night? And do dreams really tell a story/give a prediction? I've heard this several times and at times when events happen in my life I think that I've experienced it before, be it in a dream or in real life, but after reading sam's blog and learning that deja vu is actually merely a "short circuit" of the mind I'm not so sure anymore.

Does anyone know the reason why we dream? Like the psychological explanations behind it. I'm too lazy to go find out for myself, so if anyone already knows, please do share. Also, I realized I've asked many questions above, and if anyone can kindly provide the answer your guidance will be very much appreciated. Thanks.

Sigh, I really want to dream less, and have more peaceful nights.

You looked cross, your face dark like the clouds in a storm. You told me it was over between us. I couldn't tell whether it was meant to be a joke, but sadness filled me. It poured and poured into me, and it seemed as though it brought Pain along for the ride.

.sdroW

2005-09-19T21:48:00.000+08:00

I had initially planned to do the "I'm that guy(or in my case boy)..." meme but was convinced by someone not to do it, since there's no point getting all upset and melancholic after reflecting on the past. (Seriously, I didn't bold the above word to sound sarcastic or anything, it was just to highlight that it was a particular someone)

Okay maybe I'll sneak in a line.

I'm the guy who thinks of holding your hand forever, yet constantly fears that he's not fit enough to do so. I'm the guy who doesn't want to lose you, but the recurring nightmares chalked with such scenes always seem to suggest otherwise. I'm the guy who daydreams about the ability to read minds, who wants to weave through the thoughts of others just to satisfy my obsession with "knowing". I'm the guy who finds intrigue in the body language presented by others, and would like to find out exactly what each action meant at that particular instant.

Okay, maybe a few lines. (Woops.)

Actually, I'd like to see what some of you write (e.g. AG and maybe XB, that is, if he still reads this) since it's intriguing how even though 4 years of our lives have overlapped, events may have happened which even I am unaware of and it's interesting how I could've neglected to notice them despite us being around each other so often (especially XB I guess). ~~No actually I'm just very kaypo heh.~~

On typing.

2005-09-14T22:06:00.000+08:00

I've realized that if I don't ~~write~~ type, I don't miss it much. I guess when you have a life as boring as mine, there really isn't anything to blog about. Really, everyone has interesting lives or opinions while I'm just, well, pretty much dry. Though, when I do start typing, I realize that I still enjoy this very much.

Yet there are some things that constantly occur on the internet that draws so much attention and debate, and at some point these just turn me off. Everyone's arguing about their rights on voicing their opinions over the internet that, well...

It's a beautiful day.

I would like to make the promise to update more often, but I realize that it's not very probable that I would, especially seeing that I am such a lazy ass (yes I'm finally admitting to it). Anyways, I'm sure not many people do miss reading what I post here (and probably none of you can convince me so) so I guess it's actually alright that I don't post so often. I do hope to get back into the swing of posting at least one every 3 - 4 days though, seeing to how this actually can help me "relax". So yes, wish me luck.

I just realized that this post has been full of utter rubbish and contains nothing constructive whatsoever. Oh well.

Disclaimer (sort of.)

2005-09-14T22:02:00.000+08:00

I realized, after speaking to neh, that people would most probably look too deep into the story and infer issues that i seem to have, but that don't exist. And so, neh has suggested, and I agreed, that I should inform everyone that the story has nothing to do with my life or me, because it's fictional. Really. So don't read too much into it and start drawing conclusions which are ultimately wrong. =)

Oh, and on a side note, I'm so touched you all still bother to check back even though I've been out of 'action' for the past 3 weeks to a month. *sniff sniff* So nice of you all..

heh.

Roar.

2005-09-12T20:40:00.000+08:00

I'm pissed, yet again.

I haven't been updating, partly 'cause I've been pretty ~~lazy~~ busy with other things, so much so that I've not ~~bothered~~ got the time to post an update. It's the examinations period now and I've just bloody started off on the wrong foot by making the type of idiotic mistakes in my first paper that only I am capable of. F... (ok i shall try to refrain from swearing.)

Though, the past week has been quite good, and I'm really thankful for it. I just hope things can continue as they are now, or become even better (though I don't really know how). Anyways, I saw a short story on someone's blog the other day (the one and only fanny) and I feel like writing my own, again. Hopefully I don't screw it up, or else I'll just feel worse than I do now.

--------------------------------------------------

He stood in the middle of the field, eyes peered down at the earth beneath him. He remained motionless, hands placed behind his back and shoulders drooped, as the rain pelted onto his body. His dirt-stained shirt was soaked, and the muddy spots smudged, leaving streaks of brown across his back. The winds around him howled and roared, leaving his hair in a perpetual mess. He was utterly drenched, and cold, as the winds and the rain showed no sign of letting up.

He just stood there, waiting.

The rain grew heavier, as raindrops raced on and on, with new records constantly being set. The rain came in a relentless and merciless fashion, and his body was beginning to feel the pain as individual arrows pierced his body. A bright flash lit the overcast sky, as a streak of lightning split open the heavens. A deafening clap of thunder followed, one loud enough to evoke a cringe from him.

Yet he still stood there, waiting.

He had been frustrated, first at the turn of events back home and later at the idiocies his associates exhibited in their dealings with him. He had had enough, and wanted no more of it. He simply wished for all of them to disappear, that they would no longer irate him any further. He wanted for them to disappear, or for himself to vanish.

He stood there in the rain, waiting.

Waiting for his wish to come true.

hello

2005-08-19T15:01:00.000+08:00

haha this feels weird.. oh well, mr maro is too lazy to blog so sam is here!
=)

Title.

2005-08-04T22:16:00.000+08:00

And as darkness shrouds your mind,
and life steals away,
the only twinkle of light
comes from the reaper's blade

Yet as the world around you collapses
and the reaper looms overhead,
have faith and believe
For the Lord will appear

To liberate you.

He works in ways we do not understand. All we can do is trust, and pray for His guidance. Take great care, my dear cousins.

And to dua peh, you'll be in all our prayers.

Pretty Wise Words

2005-07-28T05:25:00.000+08:00

"You all should try to be more happy. After all, what else can you do? There's nothing you can do, (you have to come to school and study,) so you might as well be happy."

"You know why some people are depressed (about school/studying)? Because they're short sighted.

They only think about 'today' or, even worse, 'now'. They are not able to think beyond that and don't think about their life ahead.

They always think, 'Wah, so sian, got to do tutorial for the next half an hour.'

What is half an hour compared to your whole life? It's nothing!

So you see, you shouldn't be so unhappy (about the present), because if you don't work hard now you're going to regret it for the rest of your life!"

- Mr. T.

These are not the exact words, but they contain the essence of his speech. Both quotes are by the same man, and I think they're just really true. Surprisingly, though I've heard these words many times from many different people, Mr. T's words are the only ones that strike a chord within me. Perhaps it's the way in which he speaks, where he just seems like a simple man and so I'm able to identify with him better. (Sometimes people speak with an air around them, and it just turns me off.) I guess this man is really not as simple as he seems, and I have a newfound respect for him, sort of.

Sigh.

2005-07-24T11:31:00.000+08:00

"For somebody to lose their life in such circumstances is a tragedy and one that the Metropolitan Police Service regrets."

The British police admitted that they've got the wrong man. Full story here and here.

This is a very sad, and very disheartening, turn of events.

Subjectivity

2005-07-23T22:16:00.000+08:00

I learnt this lesson when I was in Primary 6 (12 years of age). My teacher presented this example to illustrate the concept of "subjectivity". Six years on, and the concept still sticks to me as I try to apply it (whenever I do remember about it) when voicing my thoughts.

Take for example the following simplistic situation.

A father had been jobless for a long period of time. Bills were not paid and his kids were starving. He'd not been able to seek employment, as even the odd job didn't come around for him. In desperation, he tried to steal food for his children. He was caught.

In court, he was charged with theft and sentenced. In the eyes of the law, he is guilty of a crime and morally unjust. He is viewed as a "bad man". Yet in the eyes of his kids, he's a hero. He'd tried to do what was best for his kids, and his kids recognize that. To them, their father is a "good man".

So in this case, are we to say that the father's kids are absolutely wrong? Yes, to the moral majority, the man is indeed a criminal since he broke a law. Yet to the minority, to his kids, he's quite the opposite. Think about it.

Sometimes in presenting your case, it doesn't hurt to listen to the other side of the story as well. After all, if there's a clash of opinion and both parties hear, but not listen, then it'd be like two bulls charging at each other. The one with greater endurance will win, but the bull hasn't proven anything else. I think at times you do have to consider both views, and spare a thought for the supposed "accused" as well. Sometimes they become a victim of their own vices, and not everyone has as strong a willpower to withstand any and all temptations.

I guess this does apply in many world situations nowadays. Everyone's fighting to speak, to make their voice heard, but how many people are actually listening? If no one listens, what's the point of speaking? Though, there is a difference between your thoughts and your actions. Yes, I agree that people should listen to each other's thoughts, that every story has multiple sides. Yet when you choose to use a certain action to convey your thoughts, it presents another situation.

But perhaps the action chosen is a result of circumstance, since everyone wants to speak, and the only way to garner attention is through bold actions. Nevertheless, I stand by my view that any act of violence is arguably wrong. Why drag the innocent into the foray when your problem is with the authorities?

I may have contradicted myself there, yet this is my attempt at trying to listen. Listening doesn't mean you abandon your views instantly for another's. Listening is knowing that no view is outright absurd, and there may be some hint in the arguments of people that may lead to some form of resolution.

And resolution is what we should all look for.

Darkness.

2005-07-21T21:21:00.000+08:00

"What if the sky's dark and stormy?"
- Neh.

I've been making myself feel down recently, and I think it's some sick joke I'm playing to torture myself with such feelings. I think I'm pretty much fucking nuts. So the point of saying that is that entries from henceforth would be darker and more dreary, and you guys really shouldn't come read them because, well, I don't know. Just a feeling.

Also, don't worry about me. I'm sure I'll eventually be fine, some time sooner or later. Yes I'll take care of myself, and no I don't know what's wrong. I hope that answers all general questions. heh.

So yes, remember - I've warned you.

Yet another update which no one will read.

2005-07-20T20:17:00.001+08:00

Public Service Announcement:
Yes, I know none of you will read beyond these few lines, but still I feel the need to update, 'cause I scored pretty high on this essay and I am quite proud of my work =P

So yes, close the window now my dear friends who don't read my essays.

------------------------------

Childhood is a thing of the past. Do you agree?

With the promulgation of the capitalist economy, society as a whole has been brought to a fast pace. This has led several to lament that in modern society, childhood is a forgotten concept. A person's childhood usually refers to the period of time which one spends as a child, before the onset of puberty. Metaphorically, however, childhood signifies the period of time that a person spends behaving like a child and it has come to represent a time of fun and joy, with the person being relatively free of worries. With the acceleration of one's mental development in modern society, I believe that childhood, in its metaphorical sense, is indeed a thing of the past.

Society has developed an emphasis on the notion that knowledge is power. As such, the education systems of various countries have been modified to deal with the rigour required by society. This has left many children little to no time to indulge in childhood activities, leaving them with negligible resources to build up a childhood. With the increasing importance of education both in and out of the classroom, and with children entering the education system at earlier ages, a child's daily schedule has been packed with various programmes like school, extra-curricular activities and even niche classes that build a child's potential in areas like music or sport. At times, the child himself is already unable to cope with the large number of events lined up for him, and hence he does not have the available time for games. In addition, as the rigour of the education system intensifies, the concept of stress sets into a child's life at younger ages. This would then generate anxiety and worry within the child. As a result, a child is hence unable to create a childhood. This can be seen in the case of the Singapore education system, where the syllabus has been continually revised to enable students to attain a more holistic education. Coupled with society's strong emphasis on quality education, children are now more driven by their parents to achieve good results from a younger age. The implication, then, is that children have neither the time nor energy for childhood.

Moreover, children nowadays have the mentality that childhood is uncalled for, and that having a childhood is not trendy. As a result, many choose not to seek it even if they can spare the time to. This is the product of the effectiveness and efficiency of the media, be it television programmes or magazine articles, in glorifying the benefits of being an adult, particularly the increased freedom adulthood seemingly brings. As people are now easily exposed to the influences of the media, with varied forms of the mass media being commonplace in a person's surroundings, they would be convinced that it is neither trendy nor desirable to have some form of childhood. This is especially true for children as they are easily susceptible to external influences. As children grow up with the mindset that adulthood is highly sought after, the forego the opportunities presented to them to pursue a childhood. Hence, childhood is abandoned.

A child's environment is an important consideration as it has usually been said that a person grows up to represent the ideals of his surroundings. The environment presented by modern society is unsuitable for the pursuit of a childhood, leading childhood to become a thing of the past. This is because social ills are fast becoming a mainstay of society and more children are exposed to such problems at an early age. As such, the child's focus is now shifted away from childhood and towards methods to cope with the problems before him. For example, domestic violence and divorce rate are on an increasing trend, leading to the proliferation of dysfunctional families. Children may now have to help out in the family by coming out to work. Hence, they cannot spare the effort to indulge in a childhood. Hence, as the child has new and more pressing priorities thrown into his life, he no longer seeks childhood, leading it to become a thing of the past.

One common assertion heard, however, is that a childhood can be created within the child's schedule. For example, fun can be derived from a child's participation in co-curricular activities and social interaction at school. Childhood would then not be a lost ideal. This, in my opinion, is true only to a very limited extent. It is indeed true that a person can find joy in participating in various programmes, but the stress and anxiety produced from following the schedule itself often overshadows the fact that a particular activity is indeed fun. As a result, on the whole, the child is often left excessively bogged down, so much so that he does not recognize any form of childhood in his activities. Childhood is then still a foreign notion to the child.

Optimists have also stated that in recent years there has been a shift of emphasis towards family cohesion and this would install an environment that is suitable, if not ideal, for a child to experience childhood. In my opinion, these policies have been shown to be ineffective, as the strong focus on making ends meet for families that are already dysfunctional, as well as the fact that social ills face increasing trends, reflect that there is a poor response towards the implementation of such policies. Hence, the environment that could be potentially built has not been set into place, and there is still a lack of a proper surrounding for children to ~~undergo~~ seek childhood.

Therefore, it is in my opinion that childhood has become a thing of the past, as children have neither the time, mentality nor appropriate environment for such a notion to thrive. This is definitely a challenge that society would have to seek to correct, as a child without a childhood may not have the foundations necessary to deal, in a safe manner, with future problems in life.

---------------

Comments:

Greater specification for supporting points would be useful. (that's not only it, but that's the most important)

The Wish.

2005-07-17T06:41:00.000+08:00

He bolted up, sitting upright on his bed.

"A dream."

In the darkness of his room, groped for his spectacles and got out of bed. He went straight to the computer, checking on the progress of the downloads from the day before.

"Sigh. Still so bloody slow."

He sat there for a while, allowing his mind time to catch up with his body. He didn't know why, but it'd happened quite realistically. He shook himself. No, it was just a dream. Switching the player on, he retreated back to bed.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be

He laid still for a moment, left arm atop his forehead. His mind whirred, thoughts permeating randomly. Questions surfaced. Why? Why this? Why that? He felt himself stuffed full with "why".

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you

Had it been because he'd been thinking of this issue the day before? After all, they say that your dreams are a reflection of your thoughts when you're awake. However, the issue's been stuck in him for quite a while now, and it hadn't popped up, not before yesterday.

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you

He didn't like thinking of the issue. Being an escapist at heart has made him this way. It happened, and there was nothing much he could do about it except to try to get over it. It'd happened. Quite a while has passed, but he realized he still can't let go of the issue. It may be because he hasn't been facing up to it. It may be because he's been determined to avoid nearly everything that'd bring back the feeling of nostalgia. It may be.

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...

He couldn't stand it, and didn't want to continue this way. He had to convince himself that nothing could be done about it anymore, and he'd have to move on. Yet he could not understand why. She appeared so cold towards him, smiling when they met but exuding an air of coldness. It was as though they were strangers, and she always seemed distant. He remembered her words, but they don't seem to be able to hold true anymore. The bridge between them was broken, burnt and disintegrated. It was no more.

My mind...
my mind...

He decided to forget about the issue now. It was still too early in the morning. He went back to his computer, switched off the player and climbed back into bed. Lying on his back, he closed his eyes. He shut out all thought of the issue. Yet, he just wished that things will improve somehow. He had no desire for the issue to further plague him, and wanted it to disappear. He wished. Following that, he left his mind in a blank and soon after, his own tiredness consumed him. He fell back into slumber.

'Til I find somebody new

I dreamt up the reason last night. The same reason I've been seeking, that non-existent one that even you cannot offer me. The reason no one can give, I dreamt it up. Sigh.

Why do you still haunt me so?

The Wait.

2005-07-13T18:38:00.000+08:00

Legs shaking, he stared blankly at the whiteboard. His head lay supported by his palm, elbows screwed firmly onto the desk. The weather was hot, and the sun scorched down onto the concrete jungle beneath it. The smell of burnt rubber wafted through the air.

"Fucking weather."

It was already mid-noon, and everyone in class knew what this meant. Most students were already dismissed, with only a handful of classes still slogging through lessons. A number of these were either comfortably seated in an air-conditioned room, listening to a lecturer explain the concept of diffraction or ionic equilibrium, or running around somewhere in school in shorts and a t-shirt. A sparing number of classes were left stranded in the stifling classrooms, wearing thick (and suppposedly fire-proof) uniforms that did nothing but amplify the heat within the confines of the body.

Even the tutors were suffering.

He couldn't bring himself to pay full attention to the workings of radioactive decay and how it was a "spontaneous and random process". He thought mainly of going home, of the bus and how the cold air would be kissing his skin. He felt the great lure of sleep, and willed himself not to succumb, lest he gets called out to answer a question. If that happened, he'd of course be in a rut, since he wouldn't know what had been transpiring in the lesson and hence would not be able to give the slightest insight into the answer needed.

All he could do was act like he was listening, and act it well.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. L."

He looked around him, but couldn't find anything or anyone interesting enough to observe for long. Everyone had either drifted off on their own journeys to the Antarctic in search of cooler climates, or were listening intently to every word that fell from the mouth of the tutor. Nothing was occurring out of the blue.

He again drifted back into the confines of his own thoughts.

He let loose his imagination, and wondered what it'd be like if, suddenly, there was a fight between a teacher and a student in the next classroom. It wasn't long, though, before his conscience drew him back to reality, and the formation of differential equations from wonderful stories thought up by the Mathematics department. He again tried to focus, as he knew that there'd be dire consequences should he not understand or absorb whatever the tutor was disseminating. His leg still shook, a valiant effort by his body to keep his mind awake and active. He'd not yet reached the stage where his leg could shake while he stayed asleep, and he wondered occasionally if anyone has ever been able to do that.

"It'd be quite amusing to see," he'd think to himself.

The final bell finally rang, a nice, mild dong to pull his soul back into his body. The tutor finished her final words and dismissed the class, and he, in his usual hurried manner, hastily dumped his things into his bag and shuffled out of class.

Oddly though, the liberation that he was expecting didn't come, and it seemed that it'd never surface.

Acid Tongue.

2005-07-13T18:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we know why we feel things in a certain way and we like it that way.

Sometimes we know why we feel things in a certain way but can't help it, and don't like feeling that way.

Sometimes we don't know why we feel things in a certain way, but do not want to find a way to change things.

Sometimes we're lost, and don't know why we feel things in a certain way or what can be done to correct the way we feel.

I fit into number 3.

I've been on a shooting/arrowing spree recently and I've been making acid comments at nearly every possible instance. Something's wrong with my own "internal balance" and things have been quite "off" for me. Sorry if I've unintentionally hurt anyone (like neh haha), 'cause I don't mean to, at least in most cases.

It's just how my body/brain works. If I'm overtly stressed out or frustrated I get all cranky and cynical. My tongue then suddenly sharpens and starts dripping acid and the stupid and sarcastic commentary begins. Sometimes it's lewd, sometimes it's crude, sometimes it's witty. Most of the time the wit doesn't show itself and the comments made are just scathing. So, erm, don't take them too seriously 'cause they're just really on the spur of a moment. They just spew out.

The Walk.

2005-07-08T17:12:00.000+08:00

The rain fell lightly.

"Shit."

Not having an umbrella, he held on to his bag and walked briskly into the curtain of droplets. He had his head tilted downwards, eyes avoiding the sky in a bid to protect them from the rain pelting down, now, upon his head.

He relished in the cooling sensation as the rain gently caressed his skin, and enjoyed the vigour that can only be brought about by water as it fell on you, clinging to your hair. He loved the mildness of the rain, as, to him, there was no greater relief. The rain was salvation, its sweet, motherly embrace comforting and uplifting.

The rain dripped incessantly from the sky, seemingly insignificant at first, but slowly gaining momentum, as drops transformed slowly into darts, and the blessed shower took a much fiercer turn.

Still not looking up, he felt the raindrops upon his body. Pitter patter, pitter patter, as drop after drop landed, each claiming its stake on his shirt. As the rain grew progressively heavier, it seemed as though the moisture on his shirt called out to its compatriot, as more and more droplets of rain fell. His shirt became increasingly soaked.

Left with no choice, he quickened his step to avoid the impending downpour. Done with sympathy, the torrents now reflect the labours of routine and the shackles of work. Arrow after arrow continuously beat down as rain attempted to entrap him. He broke into a run. The storm approached.

He ran, running across the traffic light and towards shelter. Upon entering the protection of the void deck, he stopped, and stared back into the rain, seemingly mesmerised. A screen of white now stood before him, with the surrounding landscape shrouded by the fierce downpour. He broke free of the sight and took a quick glance at his belongings. Nothing was ruined by the rain, and, happy with that, he started towards the elevator. A cool wind blew, and he couldn't help but smile.

Yes, even in the fierceness of a storm there stood a sliver of salvation.

My New Obsession Love

2005-07-08T17:10:00.000+08:00

It sure as hell is expensive though. Treats will be graciously welcomed with open arms, and very much appreciated.

About Chuan Hui.

2005-07-01T23:09:00.000+08:00

Maro says: gimme a topic
Maro says: i gt nth to blog about
Chuan Hui [ be positive =D ] says: chuan hui
Chuan Hui [ be positive =D ] says: haha
Maro says: really ah
Chuan Hui [ be positive =D ] says: yes
Maro says: k

-----------------------------

So the hamster has told me to blog about her. (heh.) Hm, let's see. I've known CH for close to 4 years now, ever since council days where she was, memorably, the hyper hamster.

We've been through a little together, going through a happy phase, a rough phase, a estranged phase and a closer phase (closer being relative to the other 3 phases). I kind of remember a little of each phase quite nicely, and I'm most thankful I've had the opportunity to go through each one of them. Things happen always, and more often than not you'll close a chapter of your life learning something new, something which can be applied later in life. This may sound stupid, but CH taught me to be a better person. (Ok I know you're smiling. =P See, I didn't say anything bad 'bout you.)

So anyways, CH is currently looking for a boyfriend. Actually no, but being the ~~busybody~~ good friend that I am, I've taken it upon myself to help her look for one. Applicants please submit your particulars to the e-mail address on your right, thank you very much.

Things

2005-06-29T19:43:00.000+08:00

Examinations bring out the funniest shit in people man. I just love exams, in a way. Can't share though, these things are just too, erm, personal and private. But I'm sure if you were there you'd know what I'm talking about and be laughing along with us. heh. (Don't say out ah later people angry =x haha)

-------------------------------

Heads up, the bird flu virus, affectionately labelled as H5N1 might mutate and become capable of human-to-human transmission soon, or so says the MOH. We're supposedly stockpiling on flu medicine and looking to develop vaccines just in case the virus does indeed mutate. The virus is said to be possibly more dangerous than SARS, and the MOH might even go to the extremes of closing Singapore's borders to potential carriers of the disease. Harsh.

Interestingly (and maybe unfortunately), such things always happen in the year I'm taking a major examination. Hm.

-------------------------------

In other news, same sex marriages are now legal in Canada, after parliament there ruled 158 to 133 votes in favour of the legalisation. What's interesting is that the Prime Minister himself is Roman Catholic, and we, in simple terms, frown upon this. Hm, it'd be quite interesting to know how he comes to terms with his beliefs and what he has done (in drafting the legislation).

-------------------------------

It was raining this afternoon, a shower of sorts with the sun still shining brightly. A mixture of weathers if you will. I think it was cool. I love rain, because there's always a "type" of rain to suit every mood. When you're pensive it's nice to be able to walk in a light drizzle with an overcast sky. When you're upset and angry it's as if a thunderstorm is reflecting your mood. When you're in love or happy it's one of the fuzziest feelings to be able to walk in the type of rain that happened today, a shower with a bright sky.

It's amazing how sometimes rain always happens to reflect your mood at times. Though it may just be a bit too much imagination, it's comforting to indulge in the delusion that the rain is influenced by your mood, and it just makes you feel a lot better, somehow.

Hm. Ok the above totally didn't make sense.

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
Washed away a dream of you

The first day of mid-years.

2005-06-27T19:21:00.000+08:00

The mid-year examinations have started and I'm lagging behind in revision. Everyone else seems to be putting in alot of effort (quite an understatement actually) while I, well, simply put ~~can't really be bothered much~~ haven't been able to ignite the drive to study hard (for some reason or another, not sure why myself too). Someone told me my blog's very depressing, so, err, I'm going to try to put happier stuff, I guess. heh.

Anyways, today I've learnt a very important lesson - do not believe statistics easily. I mean, yes there may remotely be a trend but still, there's the chance that the trend may be bucked. Anomalies do exist.

S: "I've not really studied, and I haven't memorised the definitions but definition questions don't usually come out in paper 2, right? So it's alright right?"

Paper 2, 90 marks, >9 marks dedicated solely to definitions and conditions. That's more than 10% of the paper. Hm.

Also, sometimes thrills don't come cheap. Only the clever can afford to have them.

SJ: "Wa, this mid years I only study 2 days. 2nd week DOTA, 3rd week and 4th week maple. Start studying on Saturday and Sunday."
SJ: "Actually quite thrilling, never study then take exam."

KNN. Now who doesn't want to be able to say that without repurcussion.

Nostalgia

2005-06-23T20:10:00.000+08:00

Maple Story.

An addiction. That was what it was at that time. Logging in everyday, every possible instant to play. Meeting up with real life friends, making new online friends, and even meeting some in real life. The days of "mapling" were, in simple terms, fantastic.

Playing it everyday inevitably aroused your curiosity, and I, in wanting to involve you in most - if not all - aspects of my life, introduced you to the game. I remember roping you into the game, together with fonce. After some time, along with gwing, the four of us formed our own little party.

I remember you discovering that the facial expressions of the characters could be changed. I remember that you realized there was a certain expression which you found cute. I remember it resembling one which you frequently showed in real life, and I remember that you loved using it. A pout of sorts, bordering on a cry.

I remember it irrevocably brought a smile to my face.

A few random things

2005-06-21T22:20:00.000+08:00

1) You know you're chao lao when, walking towards the MRT station in casual wear, a on-the-street sales promoter comes up to you and offers you a promotion on insurance. Damn it, I feel old.

2) You know you've played truant one too many times in school when the school staff tried to contact you, got a wrong number, and didn't believe it, thinking you were trying to fool them. "Wrong number?? _____ is it?"

3) You know you're going to fail the examinations when, at home, you're doing everything except hitting the books. Hoseh lah fail liao.

有时

2005-06-16T23:27:00.000+08:00

I've decided to bite the bullet (of sorts) and post what I didn't want to post a few days ago.

有时我会不知不觉的想起你，
而一旦想起你就会感到十分遗憾。

有时我在外头会经过些熟悉的地点，
而一旦经过就会感到有些悲哀。

有时我不知为什么会拿出那封信，
而一旦读了信泪水就会在眼中徘徊。

“我早已忘了她”。
我其实还没忘记一切，只是把记忆都压抑了。

“我的心已死了”。
我心其实还活着，只是被撕破了，被自己埋藏了。

RWOAR.

2005-06-16T23:22:00.000+08:00

I'm not the least pleased by how some people act as though they're 6 year olds, with no sense of diplomacy or nicety, and decide that honesty is the best policy and tell people forthright the reason for their absence, when it is not permitted for them to be absent in this manner. Good Job.

Thanks ah, now I know what to say when I don't feel like going to a gathering.

I think I'm quite high strung these few days, so anyone making biting remarks which I usually wouldn't mind much, try not to push it too far. Seriously I get pissed easily these few days. (Mood swings are back I guess, oh the joy. Really, sometimes I feel I'm, erm, ya.)

That's all. Good day.

On myself.

2005-06-13T22:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I want to blog about something, and instinctively/impulsively I'd make my way to blogger.com's login page. However, I'd then become hesitant and close the window, because on second thought, the thing which I want to blog about is quite personal and I'm not comfortable with putting it up, since even though this is blog is known to few, it's still quite "public". Hm. I guess I'm just not that open a person, such that I can tell people how I'm truly feeling.

It's quite shitty a feeling to know that there are things you want to share, things you want to vent, and there are people to share these things with, but you just can't bring yourself to talk about what you have in mind. It's quite shitty, to find that your inhibitions and your lack of openness causes you to want to keep everything bottled up inside, and it sucks when all along you've been telling people they can't do this to themselves.

Why oh why? Oh well. hah =)

Like a ghost.. Like a ghost.

Err.

2005-06-10T20:27:00.000+08:00

Something's up on the Singapore blogosphere that appears to be controversial. It's about a blogger posting a nude picture of herself online. Everyone then starts talking about it in the comments section. Since I'm too ~~scared~~ shy to comment prominently, and since I'm sure no one directly involved in the discussions reads my blog, I'll post my two cents here.

Actually I have nothing much to say about the post, since pornography has existed for long enough, and we're all aware of the dangers of the internet, and actually this doesn't matter much to me. If it matters anyhow I don't really agree with posting the post up, but that's just me. What evoked stronger opinions within me were some comments I read.

1) If the editors are infantile then so be it. Seriously, everything in this world is pretty much demand and supply. If people disagree with the things that have been posted on Tomorrow.sg, then no one will go. When no one goes, it'll be reflected in the next bandwidth report they get (I think.) and then they'll know the metablog's probably headed in the wrong direction. Then change will occur. (Ideally, this will happen.) Anyhow, majority of the editors are old enough to think for themselves lah, and people who are seemingly infantile may actually be more insightful. Also, even if this is the internet, and everyone thinks freedom of speech is the bomb, we should still maintain a certain form of courtesy when making our opinions heard.

2) I do, however, agree that at times the opinions expressed by someone in authority (e.g. someone holding the post of editor) would inevitably be used to represent the opinions of the organization itself. Yes, we don't like this. Yes, this being the case is a real pain in the behind and everyone who's been there would rather this not be so because of the implications, but what to do, u tell me? People are like that. Everything is scrutinised at the most minute level, then when it's time to mete out the blame, we push it to the biggest possible scale we can. That's just how thinsg are, so even on the internet we do have to watch what we say, whether we like it or not. (Especially if the site has a domain of its own)

3) Some others then go on to say things about the blogger in question (the one who posted the picture up) and I won't go on and talk about this, since (a) I don't read the blog and (b) everyone's entitled to their own views. However, I think everyone should still be a little more reserved in their tone. The internet makes us daring, but an overdose of it isn't exactly good for one's image. (Though this is just my opinion, and others may feel that people who are forthright should be the role models in modern society. If it works for you then good, I guess.)

4) Then someone went on to type something to the effect of being "anti-porn" and how having the post on a metablog is wrong and everything. Firstly, the post has an "adult content" warning. If somebody as a reader venture further, then I believe he/she should take responsibility for his/her own actions and not blame the system. Secondly, if one is old enough to think of the issue to such a great extent then I think one should be old enough to think for oneself. It's all too convenient to pinpoint everything and everyone else but not see how you are in fact the one who makes the mistake. (Honestly, when I read that post I was wondering if it was satire. I'm typing this on the 55% impression I have that there isn't a strong tinge of sarcasm in the person's comment.)

Yet all these are just my two cents worth. A big apology if my views offend anyone.

Cheers =)

*Edit: On retrospect I think I'm quite hypocritical, telling people not to be so blunt yet I seem to be quite blunt above. Hm. Oh well. Hypocrite I am then.

Update Update

2005-06-08T20:31:00.000+08:00

heh haven't updated in a while. I've just been so lazy. Hm..

Sometimes, in the midst of all the pop, R&B and hiphop nowadays, oldies still sound the best. The lyrics of today are at times just so full of sexual innuendo and, at times, blatant suggestions, so much so that it just leaves me wondering why the hell people like such songs. But oh well, if that's what people like then that's what they get.

So yeah, oldies are still lovely to listen to.

Amazing

2005-05-25T20:15:00.000+08:00

Oh my, the college's soccer team has come in first in the National A Divisions Competition. It's an amazing accomplishment for the boys. =)

Admittedly, I was a skeptic when they went into the finals. I knew they were good, but up against VJ? No one would expect them to win, especially knowing VJ's record. Yet again I'm put in my place, and it's proven that records don't stand for anything, what matters is "here" and "now". I won't be a hypocrite and ride on the success of the soccer team, but now it's proven that they're good, and there's no doubt that everyone in school will be proud, regardless of their opinions before this.

This will most probably build up some college spirit, since it's a sense of achievement that brings everyone together. Once again, good for you soccer team =)

Now, for our half day off...

Sick (Again.)

2005-05-23T18:51:00.000+08:00

Sigh I'm sick again. On a non-school day again. Bloody hell.
Nabeh, can never fall ill and skip a day of school.

Reflections.

2005-05-20T19:50:00.000+08:00

I think everytime I've posted I've been showing a side of me that's undeservedly been given too much attention. It's the side of me that's cynical, that's troubled, that's upset, that's never satisfied. It's the ugly side, the "Dark Side" if you will.

Today for some reason I'm feeling a compulsion to blog, to thank, to reflect and to share.

2 months ago something big happened to me. Personally, it affected me a lot. So me being the escapist that I am, I tried to find ways to deal with it that didn't involve confronting the issue directly. This led to that, and after that led to more "thats", someone entered my life who did so much for me. That someone brought me back closer to my religion (at least I'd like to think so, heh.) and let me remember that everyone has things to be thankful for, and that dwelling on past issues is hopeless. Though I can't say that I've been much of a help to that someone (more like a menace.), that someone's done so much for me and I'm greatly indebted. =)

Thank you for your much needed guidance, and for just being around. =)

As I said above, I'd like to think that I've been getting closer back to Catechism. I've been attending more masses besides the weekly Sunday ones which I go to, and I've been able to keep to some days of obligations, as opposed to none at all in the past, because there's someone to remind me to go, and accompany me there as well. Prayer has become a very strong tool for me, and there's nothing more peace-inducing. Recently, with the going getting tougher as days go by, I've been thinking of going to mass, and just praying, and asking the Lord for his guidance. I've not been like this for a while.

"Where's all this heading?" you might ask. Let me share with you something that's left a footprint in me. Last night I attended a mass at the request of someone, and before mass I prayed as everyone else does before mass starts. I asked for the Lord to show me his guidance, as always, throughout mass and also in life. Then mass started, and who serves mass but Father Frederick. He's a priest who used to serve at my parish but has now gone on to do greater things, like work with the youths all over Singapore. Father Fred has always left a great impression on me because he's just that good with teenagers, and bothers to listen to us. I guess that's why he's in charge of many youth activities. For me, I've always felt that his homilies are worth listening to. So throughout yesterday's mass the theme was primarily on youths, and everything was worth paying attention to.

Then after mass, while Father Fred was walking around, he noticed me in a corner. I've spoken to him only once I believe, and amazingly he recognizes me, though he doesn't know me. This led to that again, and he seemed keen to pull me into doing youth work. This, to me, has left a deep impression. Just before mass, I was praying for guidance, and after mass guidance is materialized in front of me. Then, on retrospect, I realized that that someone has also been guiding me along the way, and that that someone may also be God's way of speaking to me. So basically, I just want to acknowledge that I'm very blessed.

Though, I'm not sure where all this will lead. Yes he has my contacts, yes I'm attending mass more frequently, but how long can I keep this up? I've always been known to be one of weak will, and I may not be able to sustain this. I do hope, nonetheless, that it can last as long as possible.

I reall don't have any right to complain, to let the ugly side show, because I'm truly, truly blessed. =)

Thank you Lord, for all you've done for me.

1st Year Birthday!

2005-05-17T05:12:00.000+08:00

I've been too down and out these few days and haven't come around to updating much, and I totally forgot about my blog's 1st year birthday. I'm the worst. =P But better late than never, right?

So anyway, yep it's my blog's birthday! Happy birthday! =D

Maybe I can start a "This day in history" thing, though it'd probably be useless since there'd only be one other day for every day in this blog's history, so far. Oh well. heh =P

Though, coincidentally (or not), how I'm feeling now was just about how I was feeling at this period of time last year. Burnt out, tired, frustrated, easily irritated, and looking forward to the June holidays and avoiding school. I wonder why. Hmm..

To retreat to the country.

2005-05-12T22:42:00.001+08:00

e·lit·ism or é·lit·ism
n.

1. The belief that certain persons or members of certain classes or groups deserve favored treatment by virtue of their perceived superiority, as in intellect, social status, or financial resources.

I miss secondary school. I was from a neighbourhood secondary school, no denying that. All of you would agree with me, wouldn't you? We started off as a neighbourhood school with a weak track record.

Things were simple then. The word "Elitism" was only heard in English lessons, and even then it was seldom mouthed. No one looked down on anyone else with regards to results, and life was much simpler.

Maybe that's why I don't like JC that much. To subconsciously know that you're amongst the supposedly top 20% of your cohort, to know that you've already had an elitist label tagged onto you, it just irks me. I don't need such a label. I don't see the need to look down on people, in whatever sense.

Yet some people can't see beyond that. Is that a by-product of the system? Realistically speaking, how many of us can attest to never having harboured elitist thoughts? "Oh, I'm better at something as compared to everyone else, hahaha." It's quite depressing if people have been hardwired to think this way, but if it's done then we have to live with it I guess.

Again, harbouring such thoughts and actually voicing them are two very different things. When you do voice them out, you proclaim that you're elitist. You seek to let the world know that, hey, I should be treated differently.

I don't want to be part of all this bull. It's too taxing on my mind. To have to bear the additional burden of exuding an air of pride, to lug along a pedestal to step on wherever you go, it'd be too taxing on me. I want to go back to my country road, the fields, and just run away from city life. The air quality is at unhealthy levels, and I might just suffocate from all the rubbish I'm breathing in.

Has meritocracy really paved the way for the inculcation of such behaviour in Singapore's children?

Quite upset.

2005-05-11T21:18:00.000+08:00

I just found out something today, and simply put, it made me upset.

I never knew I was such a person, and it never dawned on me that you felt that way. I've always thought that it'd be alright for you, since we ARE on par with each other and I can't claim, ever, to be better than you in any sense. I guess it was just by circumstance that they placed me ahead, when in fact either of us could have been the one.

I've never thought you were lousy, seriously. It hurts a mighty lot to know that you think that way. Knowing you, however little that is, I know that your impressions of the issue are seldom masked, and the only comfort I can take from this is that I know how you're thinking now. Seriously, I don't know how to correct this, 'cause I think you should be with me scolding and correcting him. I don't have the authority or even mindset to be tough with you.

It's interesting that your choice of words were so strong, 'cause the stronger they are the deeper they cut.

Though you may never get to see this, the only thing I can say to you now is, "I'm sorry".

Where's Eddy?

2005-05-04T20:33:00.000+08:00

Oh no, this is totally upsetting. (I mean it.) Eddy Neo of Mumblings of Bubblemunche, has stopped blogging (or what they call "committed blogicide"). There goes one of the funniest local blogs. Sigh. I'll miss Eddy.

Most upsetting news.

2005-05-03T06:47:00.000+08:00

To wake up to this feeling,
to taste and see patches of everything
in the seclusion of the night.
The memories still haunt me; you still haunt me.

Kao.

2005-05-03T05:33:00.000+08:00

End of the long weekend. Grr. Have to go back to school. Most displeased.

%_$&!@*&$%^#&!@$#....

2005-04-30T06:57:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, just some, I miss talking to you. But times have changed, and what can we all do but go along with these changes? We're still friends, even though the situation now doesn't look like it. If you need someone to talk to, and have no one to call, call me k? =)

Just satisfying the urge.

2005-04-30T05:59:00.000+08:00

I have an urge to write, but I really don't know what to write about. Today's news? Nothing much happened, except Taiwan's Opposition Party leader Lien Chen getting flak for visiting and agreeing with China's "One China" policy.

Things have been a whirl, and I suspect it'll only get worse. My mind, at best, has been going through a typhoon, hurricane and earthquake all rolled into one. Never have I experienced such a myriad of emotions, and I have a feeling this rollercoaster is only going to get more intense.

"What doesn't kill you makes u stronger." May be true, but you'll never know if you are dead, in one form or another. So hang in there, it'll all be over soon. Don't overwork yourself though, there's no point in overstraining your body. There's a "limit"-limit and a "push-further-and-break-down"-limit. Exceeding the former is fine, but don't push beyond the latter. Stay happy, and smile more. Nobody needs sadness in their life.

The above will most probably not be seen by its intended target. Oh well.

"you really mei liang xin* leh"

Yes, that is me now.

*mei liang xin: heartless

Sometimes.

2005-04-27T20:49:00.000+08:00

Sometimes life speeds along, and you want to take a break.
Sometimes love eludes you, even though you're seeking desperately.
Sometimes everyone's busy with everything, yet you want to do nothing.
Sometimes problems bombard you, and you want them all to vanish.
Sometimes you're unfairly judged, and you can only silently protest.
Sometimes everyone's caught up with life, yet you want to pull away.
Sometimes love haunts you, and you want it all to go away.
Sometimes the buzz of social life is loud, and you want to sit in a quiet corner.
Sometimes.

Horrid Day.

2005-04-27T20:31:00.000+08:00

Today was a bad day. Oh well.

I realized today that I've begun to express myself more often. In the past I'd listen in a discussion, form my own opinions and keep them to myself. After entering JC I've given more comments and made more remarks in class. Today, though, when the argument was fierce and when I had an opinion, I didn't voice it loudly. I guess at times I still believe that discreetness is the best.

I'm talking rubbish again. I think up all these junk while I'm in the bus home. Sigh, very tired.

Run, run, run in the race called life. I need a pitstop.

And so.

2005-04-26T21:07:00.000+08:00

I was surfing CNA when i chanced upon this pic of an Italian military funeral (you know, those with the flags over the coffins and many bearers). Somehow, it triggered something in me.

Violence is gradually attaining a commonplace status in the world today. Since 2001, or maybe even earlier, everyone's been exposed to violence nearly everyday. Terrorist attackes, American retaliations and the like have shoved violence, blood and gore into the faces of commonfolk. This has, possibly, numbed many people all the strive and fighting that's going on in the world. Iraq's problems have not been settled. New problems are always popping up all over the place. Yet, admittedly, when I see these in the news I go "what's new" and move on to other articles. This isn't good.

The warcry of desperation. The howl of missles. The deafening bang of fired shells. The desolate cry for silence.

But that isn't the main point. When I saw the picture the sadness of death again struck me. After all this time, after all the numbness I've shown towards issues of this genre, I felt weird when I saw the picture. Weird. In a war everybody loses, but the biggest losers are the families of the fallen soldiers. Yet the soldiers themselves did not choose to die. They chose to defend their country, they chose to obey their superiors, but they did not choose to die. What the world needs now is a little more peace, a little more healing, a little more friendship, and a lot less fighting, because enough families have had to bear the sadness of death.

A grim expression. A broken heart. A defeated soul. A silent prayer.

And yet again I'm just typing whatever comes to mind. =)

In The News Today.

2005-04-24T20:00:00.000+08:00

Home News

Hm, what a world we live in. Nowsadays, even slimming pills can become ecstacy substitutes.

As reported in CNA, Singaporeans are now using prescriptive slimming pills (Duromine) to replace Ecstacy because the drug abusers are afraid of being busted by the police. Apparently, the pill is easily available across the crossway (as reported, heh.). CNA is so powerful, they managed to get an interview with an abuser.

Hm, I think this means an increase in the business of slimming centres will be expected, since people will soon be unable to obtain these prescriptive drugs in Singapore.

I wonder, will the drug abusers lose weight while getting high? That'll be like some 2-in-1 package, where they gain two things at the cost of one. No wonder Singaporeans are using it.

-----------------------------------

World News

Pope Benedict XVI was inaugurated earlier today with a mass in St Peter's Square in the Vatican. Thus begins the reign of the 265th Pope of the Catholic Church. The Pope's homily highlighted the need for Christians to strive towards unity within the Christian faith.

The pope's hardline conservatism has again come under the scrutiny of critics, with several saying that he would not budge on his stance. Yet his willingness to utilize the media shows a certain concession that Catholicism has to catch up with the moving world, and there is an essential need to keep the Christian faith current.

"Let us do all we can to pursue the path toward the unity you have promised... Grant that we may be one flock and one shepherd."

-----------------------------------

Business

Again, via CNA, the lift of an international textile quota system on the 1st of January of this year has led to a surge in China's textile exports. This has led the European Union to consider several protectionist measures to protect the livelihood of the countries' own textile industries. It has been speculated that several of these measures include new quotas and voluntary export restraints on the part of China.

The dilemma which the EU now faces is the possibility of retaliation and strained bilateral relations between itself and China. However, textile producers in the EU countries are lobbying for immediate action to curb China's textile exports.

Royally pissed

2005-04-23T18:33:00.000+08:00

with myself.

There was a game today and I played a while. Conceded so many goals, I felt like kicking myself. Sigh. I've been slacking too much, it's about time to get things right again for whatever remaining time I have on the team. Time to get into it. It's a good thing Theo's coming down in May, though even he may not be able to do anything for me. It'd probably take a miracle to train me up again.

Met nice people today. Joseph's a really nice guy, skilled and friendly. Not much arrogance about him, really. Just pride in his skills and his contribution to the game.

WWFC 2005's coming up soon, so is Men's U19 WFC 2005. Wish all Singaporean representatives the best. Play a good game. =)

Sigh. Super pissed.

Integrated Resorts.

2005-04-21T20:54:00.000+08:00

So the news is out (and I'm once again covering things after they've happened for a while). Singapore's going to have not one, but two ~~casinos~~ integrated resorts, with one at Marina Bay and the other at Sentosa. The government's been, in the past few days following the release of their much ~~expected~~ anticipated decision, publishing article after article on the benefit of the integrated resorts and how they can "contribute to Singapore's economic growth" by "adding US$2b a year in revenue" and creating "about 35, 000 jobs in total".

I seriously think this is becoming increasingly unnecessary. Yes, the issue is controversial, and yes, many will think that the economic benefits do not offset the social costs sufficiently, but the thing is once the decision has been made many of us know that there's ~~no chance in hell~~ a very little chance the decision will be revoked. I believe the government knows this too. Why then, is it spending so much time harping continually on the "economic benefits" of building these two integrated resorts, when we all know full well what they are?

I think the government, instead of focusing their attention on this, should start showing concrete plans to curb the social costs that casinos will potentially impose. It's no point just saying that "comprehensive guidelines will be drawn up". I believe many of us want to see these guidelines and regulations. I'm pretty sure showing these will be more effective in convincing people that the economic benefits of casinos can be substantial and the social costs can be suppressed.

*Err, I went a little high n typed 3 entries today, heh. Happy reading =P

Pope Benedict XVI

2005-04-21T20:50:00.000+08:00

I know this is a little slow, but we have a new pope! I'm not even remotely proficient in latin, so I'll just continue typing in english.

I heard on the radio this morning that the pope's going to dispel his conservative image and adopt the role of, in his words, "A listening Pope". I guess that's good for us all, since the biggest challenge of Catholicism is, I guess, the ability to reconcile our rooted beliefs with the developments in the secular world. Anyhows, I really hope he'll continue work with the youths, as the Late John Paul II had done =)

Father, continue to watch over your sheep, as you have always done.

Tomorrow's looking bright.

2005-04-21T20:36:00.000+08:00

I was going to come home and blog about how I've been feeling, about how, yet again, "it's amazing how one can feel so lonely in a world chocked full of people", and about how my head's slowly contracting n strangling the little grey matter I have.

And then I surfed and found out about this. Tomorrow.sg! I think it'll be fantastic, and this kind of brightened up my ~~day~~ night to find out that the local "blogosphere", as others have called it, is taking such a leap forward. Though, of course, I'm but a midget on the net, and a virtual nobody on the local blogging scene. Oh well, I'll strive harder and get there, someday. Heh.

Also, positive comments about my writing have cheered me up. I love getting praises. =D (Though one seems to have implied that I talk like an idiot in real life, but nevermind. heh heh.)

*Fantasizing

2005-04-20T21:43:00.000+08:00

Ok, a little off the usual boring crap. I'm here to ~~beg~~ ask nicely for any of the following gears =D
I'm not a good keeper, but I promise I'll train hard*! Heh.

*Hard by my standards =x

On Leadership

2005-04-17T11:00:00.000+08:00

"Experience is not what happens to a man, it's what a man does with what happens to him"

Once upon a time, I aspired to, one day, be a great leader. Since primary school, I've wanted to be someone who led others, who could inspire others to follow me. What drove this desire, I guess, was the satisfaction of being able to lead, to have a following. In essence, I was pretty power hungry since young.

Some people really do thrive on power. They derive satisfaction from being able to command others, and being able to get people to do what they want them to do. Yes, once upon a time I was like that. Yet now, looking back, such a power is something I have no need for.

My greatest leadership opportunity came, I believe, in secondary school. In secondary 2, my form teacher, Ms Low (who, by the way, is one of the best teachers I've had in my life), nominated me for the council interview. My interview was simple, done quickly, and I got into the students' council. This followed that, and the following year I was nominated for council EXCO, and elected Vice President.

Looking back, council life was perhaps one of the best times of my life. I made amazing friends, and even, for a short period of time, experienced a certain wonderful feeling. Yet what I hold most closely to my heart from this was the wonderful times we councillors spent talking rubbish in the council room. The council room, perhaps one of my favourite "haunts" in school. Yes, I was just that "no-life".

What got me there, was perhaps an innate charisma thinly disguising an extraordinary ability to bootlick. Yes, I've amazingly been able to smoke and worm my way through life and its confrontations with words, and I thank God for this amazing gift he's bestowed upon me.

Yet council life exposed me to yet another part of life - Reality. Many a times it's said that leaders have to possess a substantial amount of perserverance, and this is true. The great amounts of aspirations you as a leader have, the many dreams and ideas can all be shot down in an instant, and you'd just be put back into your place. No matter how great a leader you are, you'd still be stifled by your superiors as long as you're not at the top of the ladder. Rigidity in the leadership system is often brought about by the inability of the "higher ups" to maintain an open mind in approaching ideas.

Yes, once I was a leader who wanted to do great things. I wanted to be able to make a difference. I wanted to do this and that for people. Yet council life has taught me that no matter how much you want things to be done, others may not agree. And this has changed me, as much as I'd like to deny it, for the worse. I've become cynical of leaders and their ideals, and I've been apathetic to their pleas for our understanding. I've been through the system, and understanding their woes as a leader has only led me to believe that they will usually be unable to complete what they set out to accomplish.

Once, I was a candidate for leadership posts. Once. Now, I'm but someone who's "been there" and "done that". Yes, I may not have experienced, in my life, the empowerment true leadership brings. Yet whatever form of leadership offered by society thus far has been what has led me astray. I wonder, would this be the cause of political apathy?

Ok this is a very long rant. Heh. I was in a relective mood, and now, after typing everything out, I think what I've written makes no sense. I guess I have no confidence in my writing.

In Others' Words.

2005-04-15T20:40:00.000+08:00

"It's amazing how one can feel so alone in a world so full of people." - C

"The world is my enemy." - G

"I need help. Desperately finding one to save me from this dark and lonely place. My soul's devoured by the darkness. No means of escape. Trapped. Losing sight of everything." - WC

"Never before in my life had the words "Ok thanks" meant more to me than anything.. and never before in my life had I meant "My pleasure" anymore seriously." - XB

"i feel like the shittiest person on earth now." - CH

"Everything changes with time and will never be the same as it were in the past." - A

"there's no greater distance, than the distance between us right now." - S

"Aiyah...jangan tension..." - K

It's sometimes amazing how the words of others can describe how you're feeling now, and at times these words, as a whole, describe your feelings more accurately than anything you'd be able to come up with. So, there. In the words of my friends.

The mass media is the new religion of the millenium. Comment.

2005-04-12T21:13:00.000+08:00

As society progresses in the new millenium, the mass media's role of an agent for disseminating information has been enforced and strengthened by technological advancements. These developments have allowed the mass media to achieve a much wider reach, so much so that the mass media has been considered to be the new religion of the millenium. This, in my opinion, is true to a large extent. As evident in the new millenium, the mass media, as a collective body, has succeeded in gaining a huge following as well as capturing the attention of everyone else in the world.

The basis to any religion is the faith of its believers. Similarly, the mass media has been able to gain the trust of its target audience, the masses. As a result of this belief which people have in the mass media, much of the information presented by the various forms of mass media are automatically taken to be true. Faith in the media is hence cultivated within the psyche of each individual and this is not unlike the faith which people exhibit in practising their religion. An example of this would be the faith which people have in the news reported on television news networks. More often than not, the news shown on these networks is taken to be factual and there is negligible doubt or suspicion with regard to the credibility of the news sources. Such faith as exhibited by the masses who already depend heavily on the mass media serve to set the stage in considering the mass media to be the new religion of the millenium.

In addition, the mass media has been able to effectively deliver messages and, more importantly, doctrine to the people who exercise a strong faith in it. This has hence allowed it to dictate the lives of people to such an extent that many accept any orders and do as they are told without further questioning the basis behind these actions. This can be illustrated with a smal example. Many government bodies, having recognized the persuasive effects of the media on the population, have sought to promote certain lifestyles through advertisments placed on television air-time. An instance of this qould be the recent advertisment by the Central Narcotics Buerau of Singapore on the harmful social effects of drug abuse. As government bodies usually choose the most pragmataic method of executing tasks, the choice of advertisments to convey messages reaffirms the strength of the mass media in dessiminating and successfully influencing the masses. This hence likens it further to the characteristics of any other religion.

Moreover, the mass media has been able to appeal to the masses and bolster the insecurities of individuals. It has often been said that Man constantly needs something to believe in, and this essentially means that Man requires a method of reassuring themselves in times of weakness. The mass media has been able to do this by showing that the aspirations of individuals are achievable. The problems faced by individuals in society, like physical handicaps or dysfunctional social lives, are often shown to be resolved or overcome such that people are given the impression, and hope, that problems they face will all someday disappear. These are seen in period dramas and talent contests on television that generate the impression that the above are all possible, and hence give people the hope they need. This, in my opinion, is much like religion.

However, some say that the mass media is but a tool, and it is the people behind the media that control the masses. It would then be argued that the mass media cannot stand as a religion at all. In my opinion, as technology advances and the contributors to media are even more diversified, it become sunknown whether the mass media remains as a tool, or has elevated to the role of a master. This essentially means that instead of people being able to control media, roles are reversed as the masses are influenced by other forms of mass media should they be the contributor to one. Hence, the mass media has actually gained enough of a following to be considered a religion.

Yet others may consider the effects of the mass media to be limited, and that people are able to discern and pass judgement on the information provided, such that the mass media does not really have a following. This, in my opinion, is no longer true. The effects of the mass media have been recognized by many to be extensive, such that its following is very great and very real. Take for example, the fact that the notion of "thin is beautiful" started with information presented in the media, in the form of dolls. As such, it is obvious through many such instances that the mass media has gained such a huge following that its persuasive effects are tremendous.

Hence, from the above, it can be seen that the mass media, with its wide reach and ability to convey messages, is indeed a new religion of the millenium. It is without much doubt that the mass media exhibits qualities similar to other recognized religions. However, as we progress further into the new millenium, care has to be taken to ensure that the mass media is kept in check, and that it does not achieve a cult status.

*Pardon any typos, I'm not feeling particularly chirpy. Oh yah, I added a new stanza to the poem, please do contribute. Thanks.

I had/have a fan!

2005-04-10T20:25:00.000+08:00

Someone commented recently that my writing's " extremly accurate and I believe that we have many of the samn veiws (sic)". But I can't find the comment anywhere except at the control. Damn. (Heh sorry)

Thanks Kali for appreciating my writing. =)

Anyways, I guess my writing has changed alot over the year. I seem to be less critical. I wonder if I'll ever write like I did last year. Hm.

Oh yeah, please please do contribute to the "game" below. It doesn't matter if you think your writing isn't good, mine isn't either. No one's going to be overtly critical of the writing (I hope.)

Hmm time for Round 2.

2005-04-09T08:05:00.000+08:00

Let's play a game. From the stanza below, continue the "poem" as you see fit in the comments section. Anyone can continue, but label your stanzas (as in, should it be the 2nd, 3rd, ..., Nth stanza). Continue other people's continuation too if you'd like. Please do participate, it'd be interesting *heh*

Here's the first stanza:

A bitter wind howls
biting, beating, battering
Trudging along this lonely path
with nary a soul in sight. (M)

*Update:

The summer haze growls
singeing, searing, shattering
Grudging through the blood bath
even Gods cower in fright. (G)

Nights grow longer, days grow shorter
Eagles take to flight
Nothing above, and nothing below
Leaving only dust as all in sight. (C)

watchful eyes of daunting owls
waiting embracing my next falter
slowly steadily step by step
knowingly narrowing into his trap. (n)

Claps of lightning swarm the sky,
lashing, spearing, striking
Yet the clouds hold their dew,
arrogantly denying all relief. (M)

*Updated 13/04:

Legions of armies memory paves,
When I gave way and dreams wove all desires she craves.
We were never more strong, never more brave,
Until treachery crushed, all of us, all at the final wave. (G)

'Ere where has it gone? Where over the blight?
My oath of honor, but a deluding plight
Diffused! -- to me and no others' delight,
When they thrashed my pride, during the darkest light! (G)

Whence o'er the mountains, o'er the seas,
O'er challenging hurdles destiny sees,
There! Greens of pastures that warmed our glees.
The last of my journey my sentience pleas (G)

One By One.

2005-04-07T21:12:00.000+08:00

我们和别人不一样
白天是student
晚上是mugger

我们不管别人
玩自己的rule
我们玩physics, chemistry, economics, mathematics, geography, biology.

有一天，我们slack的时候被e*L* raid
我的brudder没有一个来看我，都在读书
那时我才发现最大的敌人不是自己
而是书。

(A spoof of an advertisment)

The Pope passes on

2005-04-03T11:28:00.000+08:00

The Pope has never been that close to my heart, admittedly. He's just been that religious leader who is much revered, yet I don't know much about him.

Yet with his passing a sadness just appears within me. The man who led the Catholic faith has passed on and this just means a lot, somehow. The only consolation, I guess, is that he's no longer suffering, and is now at peace with the Lord.

Now, as I grapple with my faith and rely on it to deal with my own state of feelings, I feel closer in touch with it and maybe that's why this is affecting me as much. I guess, if everything didn't occur the way they did, I may not be just that slightly closer to my faith, and the Lord.

But, have I really grown closer to the Lord, or am I just using my faith again to settle myself as I go through this slightly tougher period of my life? I wonder.

What comes to mind are these words: "But it goes against the way I am, to put my human nature down and let the Spirit take control of all I do. And when those trials come my human nature shouts the things to do, and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored." (Ok, many words.)

Slightly upset with myself.. hm..

Change

2005-03-27T01:06:00.000+08:00

I've made a new resolution for change, and I'll stick to it. I'm quite determined to. =)

Some bull.

2005-03-26T23:07:00.000+08:00

If the world were to end today
may I have this last dance?
If the world were to end today
should it be that I leave with words left unsaid?

Simple words have often slipped me
how this is so, I don't know
Everytime i seek to speak, I stumble
Regrets aplenty, as the world ends.

Deliberations of a Broken Heart

2005-03-24T06:00:00.000+08:00

Chained by a former love
Chained to walls that never were.
Looking to break free
looking, yet failing to find the means

The means to which I'll be set free
free to dream, and free to live
A bird that has regained its wings
soars higher than it ever did..

Will I ever find out how?
Like a shadow, it eludes me.
Running, running aimlessly
running but never finding.

Hopeless, a futile expedition
lost, lost in the darkened woods of affliction.
Constantly praying for a way out,
what is this that holds me in?

I struggle, I fight, I try to see
the ropes and chains that bind me in
Sudden light burns through the darkness
Blindness after blindness that made me see.

A mirror beamed in front of me
who is this I see in it?
with arms like ropes bound tightly around her
and feet crossed as she sits on cold ground

Through the blindness, what's this i see?
A warm hand reaching for me
Sitting, not daring to approach it
yet yearning, yearning for it's soft touch

This compassion, who brings it?
Like a forbidden fruit, its allure draws me
Slowly, stumbling out of darkness
stumbling towards the warmth

Sweet caresses raise me high
but alas, this joy does not last
raised for a brief moment, only
to be left to fall again.

So back into the abyss I go
the eternal heaven of darkness
Chained once again by locks and chains
with hurt as thorns around it

Falling, yet it never seems
that i'll ever reach the bottom
Dreaming, someday to see the light
that has otherwise gone forgotten.

Tears like raindrops gently fall
from eyes clouded with sadness
Out of the depths, a voice cries out
Is this me i'm hearing?

A second voice after the first
nobody but me to hear it
Hope, like an angel, falls from above
with an embrace it holds me.

Warm, this touch, not unlike the first
yet, unlike the first I fear it.
Can I pluck the courage to accept this
or recoil, and retreat into the darkness

Once burnt, my heart now hardened
seemingly never to open up again.
Can this soft caress then melt
the stony restrains and free me

Falling to temptation once again
Not looking back, as I, aided by hope
pull out of my own seclusion,
running away from the darkness
and

Thrusting into the light.

- 2M (haha =x)

The full poem, co-written with a friend. The parts that are nicer are not by me, I'm not that good =)

Something I"ll Never Do

2005-03-23T17:50:00.000+08:00

This.

I just don't have the same sex appeal. heh =) I'll just follow the Calm one's footsteps and abstain from posting my own contribution. Though if anyone of you so wish to do this, I can always post for you. =P

Power lah

2005-03-22T19:13:00.000+08:00

Falling more and more sick everyday. Think I have SARS. Power lah right in the middle of exams. Now I'll know to keep my big mouth shut and stop wishing I'll fall ill.

Wee the final

2005-03-21T22:03:00.000+08:00

Warm, this touch, not unlike the first
yet, unlike the first I fear it.
Can I pluck the courage to accept this
or recoil, and retreat into the darkness

Once burnt, my heart now hardened
seemingly never to open up again.
Can this soft caress then melt
the stony restrains and free me

Falling to temptation once again
Not looking back, as I, aided by hope
pull out of my own seclusion,
running away from the darkness
and

Thrusting into the light.

Wee it's done! =P hahaz, it was quite fun typing this, though my poetry sucks big time. Oh well, at least I enjoyed it =P I may post the full thing, depending on my mood and the opinions of a friend I'm working on this with. hahaz, as you can see, it's not exactly the full thing here. We'll see =)

Thoughts.

2005-03-21T21:11:00.000+08:00

I want to be a good son. I want to live up to expectations and study hard and have a good career and all.

I want to get fitter. I want to pass NAPFA and get a silver and get a 2 month reduction in BMT and all.

I want to get over these stupid emotions and let go and get on with life and all.

I want to get 6 As, 2 Ds, qualify for scholarship and get free money.

I want this, I want that, but I'm not doing anything about it. WTF's wrong with me?

Just saw my mom and dad getting angry over my siblings' results. It'll be my turn soon I guess. It sucks that after all these years, I'm set to disappoint them again. It's sure as hell time to wake up my idea. No more excuses, screw the disappointing tutors. I'll depend on myself, no matter what.

But alas, these are but a spur of the moment. Will I be able to follow through with it? I wonder, really, I wonder.

Sigh.

There was a time when I didn't give a damn about the future, about what it held and about what I was to become. "Take things a step at at time, things always work out in the end," I told myself. How much of it stands true now? Where has that 'time' slip to? I want to work hard. I need to work hard. It's about time I woke up. Why haven't I then? I think I really need someone to kick me in the balls.

I don't like to disappoint. I haven't disappointed in a while. I know, living up to my parents' expectations isn't exactly living my own life. It's like living another's life for them, doing things they want to do but can't. But who cares, this is the way I choose to live now. It's the path I take, since it runs parallel to the path which I want to take further on in life. There's no such thing as "slow down" in SG. Everything's fast, fast, fast. We sprint all through our lives. Why am I stumbling in my stride now?

I want to be carefree, to be able to live up to my parents' expectations without having to be bogged down by all this shit. I don't need reverse psychology to get me to study. If anything, reverse psychology only serves to backfire on me. Shut your trap, I don't need your stupid insults, scoldings and smug facial expressions. Studies don't bog me down, expectations imposed by anyone other than my parents do. I'm not your son, the school didn't give birth to me. I have no business living up to your expectations.

Whew, that's a load off my mind. Heh. No need for consolations, I'm fine. I just needed to blow some things out of my head before I went mad. Though, it doesn't seem to be working much. These things are still stuck in my head. Damn.

Wee Wee

2005-03-21T13:46:00.001+08:00

Through the blindness, what's this i see?
A warm hand reaching for me
Sitting, not daring to approach it
yet yearning, yearning for it's soft touch

This compassion, who brings it?
Like a forbidden fruit, its allure draws me
Slowly, stumbling out of darkness
stumbling towards the warmth

Sweet caresses raise me high
but alas, this joy does not last
raised for a brief moment, only
to be left to fall again.

Wee Cotd.

2005-03-20T20:43:00.001+08:00

Will I ever find out how?
Like a shadow, it eludes me.
Running, running aimlessly
running but never finding.

Hopeless, a futile expedition
lost, lost in the darkened woods of affliction.
Constantly praying for a way out,
what is this that holds me in?

This is just a little something to play arnd with. I'm really really really fine =)

Wee

2005-03-20T20:20:00.000+08:00

Don't read too deep into this, I'm fine already, really =)

Looking to break free
looking, yet failing to find the means

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

2005-03-19T08:59:00.000+08:00

I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh
Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ahhh

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I'll walk away!

Something's wrong

2005-03-15T20:28:00.000+08:00

I just realized my previous post is so pro-ministry. What is wrong with me?

Continue with CIP Requirement

2005-03-15T08:47:00.000+08:00

In response to the recent announcement that CCA and CIP grades will no longer be mandatory for university entry, someone had expressed that the CIP requirement in secondary schools should be dropped as well.

Her arguments are, primarily, that the programme has "failed in its aim" to "help (students) identify the needs of the community". This is because, firstly, students are at times asked to help take over the administrative duties of staff and these duties do not contribute to their development of community awareness. In addition, as community service is mandatory, students do not volunteer out of their own well intentions, instead choosing to volunteer to just "get through the system". As such, the writer feels that the programme does not help us in any sense develop an awareness for the needs of the community and the CIP requirement should hence be abolished for secondary school students as well.

In my opinion, I think that instead of removing the requirement, it could be better modified to suit the moral development of students. For one, the first problem highlighted in the letter can be solved without having to buck the current system. It doesn't take much to note that the problem in this case can be solved by providing clear guidelines (I dreaded typing these two words out...) as to what students should be allowed to do when taking on CIP duties. In addition, organizations, in asking for volunteers, can provide a learning objective behind their activities, so that students are clear about what they can learn from taking part in any particular activity. In essence, organizations can do much more to provide students with the required backbone for them to further develop their sense of social responsibility.

Next, regarding the problem of abolishing the requirement because community service ought to be voluntary. In my opinion, this is too simplistic a link. If the CIP requirement was done away with, what can the ministry do, then, to raise social awareness amongst students? Will they then have to resort to talks, speeches, seminars and the like? That would then be too "boring", and students would not take anything away from those sessions. As always, gaining a first hand experience into community involvement would most probably be the best way to learn about the values of community involvement. As such, the system should not be abolished as it offers a sound structure for the development of community awareness. Essentially, should the system not be in place, students will fail further to see the use of and need for community involvement, and this will further undermine a student's ability to identify with the needs of the community.

As such, I feel that instead of doing away with the system, it should be modified to focus more on the learning aspect of it. This, for one, can be ensured by the school staff in administering evaluative sessions to students so that they are aware of what they take away from the programme. However, much of the onus still lies on the students as only those willing to learn will ever learn anything.

Children are Innocent

2005-03-13T08:50:00.000+08:00

It's been two in two weeks - parents attempting to murder their kids. Why the madness?

Please, remember, the children are innocent. They did not cause the problem, and they should not be part of it.

The Bible tells us to honour our parents, but what do we do when our parents are the ones out to harm us?

Himitsu >_<

2005-03-09T18:55:00.000+08:00

hahaz, found out something soooo cute today.

It's just things like this that make my day, and make me want to forget all the shit's that's been happening in the past few weeks.

I'm slowly cheering up, yay =D

So Good.

2005-03-09T18:51:00.000+08:00

How come he never come my school. haha =P

Sigh, I wonder if the MJ GP dept will ever invite him as a guest speaker.. Hopefully they do =D

A Reply

2005-03-06T09:24:00.000+08:00

Because he doesn't seem to have a comments area/tagboard, I have to reply here =P

Should it be addressed at me:
I understand your position, and I'll heed ur advice. No need for apologies, though I'd much rather you not have been circumspect during the game. hahaz. Still, I thank you for taking the time to accompany me during the day, though it was much wasted =P I know you'll be there, and I thank you. Hopefully, it is truly just impulses as you said =)

Should it not have been addressed at me:
Ignore the above thanks =P lol

拿得起, 但放不下..

Pool

2005-03-05T19:02:00.000+08:00

Went to pool today. It was a good thing calling Gwing along, since watching him play lets you learn alot while getting you frustrated. He just has this relaxed way of playing, but manages to get the ball in 90% of the time. Quite demoralizing when you play with him, but still, learning is good.

Tests galore next week, and it's the last week of term. Something's definitely wrong with that formula. Why do we have so much cramped into the last week before school closes? Sigh.

Oh yeah, I got an A2 for Chinese Language at 'AO' Level (CLAO). It feels good to be lucky =P

And I miss you more each day..

10 Songs.

2005-03-05T09:20:00.000+08:00

Not in any particular order I guess
-----------------------------------------

1. Son by Four - Purest of Pain
2. Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee
3. Kai - Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
4. Air Supply - All Out of Love
5. Aha - Crying in the Rain
6. Adam Sandler - I Wanna Grow Old with You
7. BBMak - Miss You More
8. A1 - Walking in the Rain
9. Breeze - To Stay
10. N' Sync - That's When I'll Stop Loving You